NEW WEBSITE – please clicky on linky below

It’s more pink this way!

(It’s really more gray this way, but I still like it better!)

I’m working on having this blog redirect to the website.¬† Please update your favorites with the new address, por favor.

It is still a work in progress, so bear with me ūüôā

P.S. I’m working on the blogroll tonight – those didn’t migrate, for some reason.



“Wednesday Girl Waits With The Wine”

“She knows just what to say.¬† While no one’s listening…”

The non-BF seems to think I am stuck in the 80s.  I do occasionally make references to things that happened in the last ten years.


I should never, ever go shopping when I am “feeling FAT.”¬† I’ll buy something four sizes too large just because I had too much to eat at lunch.¬† Case in point:¬† In Hawaii, I bought this cool bamboo shirt (yes, bamboo) and I really liked it.¬† However, I bought it in a size a bit too large.¬† Me:¬† That girl checking us out thinks I’m fat because I bought a XXL in this shirt.¬† The non-BF:¬† NO, that girl checking us out thinks you’re psychotic because you bought a XXL, AND because you are talking about her like she isn’t there.

This is why the non-BF refuses to go shopping with me anymore.¬† This, and because I tend to sweep through shops like I’ve won a five minute shopping spree.¬† He always has to hold the bags.

P.S. The bamboo shirt could alternate as a mini-dress.  I must have been slightly tipsy when I bought it.


Just found out that the non-BF solicited musical suggestions from my dear Bunny for some event at work.¬† Me:¬† Why didn’t you ask ME to help?¬† The non-BF:¬† Because I didn’t want a playlist consisting entirely of Duran Duran and Stone Temple Pilots.¬† Me:¬† Like that would be so awful?

Who wouldn’t like a little Simon Le Bon and Scottie in their daily diet?


I am trying the Tanqueray & Vomit slushee tonight.  Wish me luck!

“In the shadow of those looming battleships, I love our canoe…”

My weekend¬†felt long but was super short in reality.¬†¬†I really didn’t get much done except one huge task.¬† On the¬†other hand, I did eat my way through about 1/4 of my weight in shellfish, and I had some lovely bread along the way.

Someday, I’ll go too far, and the shellfish allergy will overtake me.¬† You heard it in here that all my jewelry goes to my mom for distribution, and the rest of you bitches can fight it out for my clothes, shoes, accessories¬†and purses!¬† The scarves belong in whole to Cherry.

So, yes, I spent half the day Saturday and ALL DAY Sunday washing blankets.¬† The dogs’ blankets.¬† Lazy motherfuckers just sat there and watched me do it, too.¬† P.S. to Rainbow:¬† You better stop pissing on stuff or the diapers are coming back and I AM SO SERIOUS ABOUT THAT SHIT!


Some vows are stronger than others.¬† To me, these are the vows of girlfriends.¬† Those transcend any situation in life and they live on, tying us together and never letting us forget we are one in the night, that we aren’t really ever far away from one another.¬† I go on quality, not quantity.¬† There are about¬†four or five true¬†good girlfriends I can really count on, and I feel better each day knowing that they are there for me, no matter what.¬† Perhaps you have more (good for YOU!), but I think¬†four or five¬†is about all I’ll ever need in my lifetime.¬† I hope those bitches know they can count on me, too, til the end of my days.¬† I love you all.


My current ridiculous¬†obsessions:¬† Window shopping for sweaters and “removing” the scab in my left nostril that won’t seem to heal (probably because I keep removing the scab, duh – idiot!).¬† Why are these obsessions¬†ridiculous?¬† (1) It gets cold here in Dallas about three days out of the year so what is up with¬†all these sweaters? and (b) even though I don’t want to look like I have a bloody booger hanging out of my nose, if it is ever going to fully heal, I need to leave that fucker alone.


My mom and dad finally consented to take a vacation with me and the non-BF.¬† This makes me as happy as a clam who didn’t get picked for dodgeball by moving an inch away from the digger’s foot.¬† My mom seems excited.¬† My dad?¬† I keep checking for a pulse.¬† Oh well, I’m sure he will get more enthusiastic as the date draws nearer.


In some cultures, it is considered rude not to burp after a good meal.¬† I wish American culture would pick up on this shit – it’s a grand idea.¬† It would save me from saying “Excuse me!” about 20 times a day.¬† (I don’t eat 20 times a day, but I sure as hell burp about seven or eight times after each meal.)


My new website should be ready soon.¬† It’s already ready, if you must know the truth, just a little tweaking needs to be done.¬† It’s pink, by the way.¬† (Reader:¬† But of course it is!)

I’d like feedback if you would, when I finally get it to go live.


What is it with me and skinny slender no-fat-all-muscle, dark-haired singers?¬† Between Scott Weiland (a long-time favorite), Nick Hexum (another long-timer) and Adam Levine (just recently developed the hots for him), I guess I¬†have a “type.”¬† And yes, this seems to be it.¬† Or this.


I ordered a¬†sweater online and it arrived today, so I tried it on and asked the Office Mate if it was too small on me.¬† The look on her face told me, yeah, maybe.¬† So I told her, “Be honest…”¬† She said it bunched up on my back and I’m like, “Well, that’s better than it being stretched out¬†like this!” and I pulled it really tight around my waist.¬† She just laughed.¬† Later she told me that she just didn’t like the pattern.¬† Me:¬† Well, hell, I don’t care what you think about the pattern – because¬†I like it – but how the hell does it fit?¬† Apparently, it fits fine, so it’s not going back.

She got a kick out of “I don’t care what you think about the pattern.”¬†(Really??¬† In the two years that she’s known me, when have I ever given a shit if someone liked my outfit, as long as I didn’t look FAT in it?)¬†I told her nothing needs to match anymore, so get over the fact that my pants totally clashed with the sweater.¬† It’s not as though I’ll be pairing the two together anytime in the near¬†future, anyway.¬† But when I do, it will look fabulous!


Wormy Kitty is evil.  I still believe that she is plotting to smother me with her paws during the night.  She likes to bite, too.  I look like I stumbled into a briar patch!

I asked the non-BF how long this biting “stage” would last.¬† Him:¬† Oh. about two years.¬† Me:¬† (rolls eyes and sighs)¬† Is that why you wanted me to keep the kitty?

P.S.¬† Wormy Kitty sure as hell eats a lot.¬† She shits more than any animal I’ve ever seen, next to Mr. Swirly.


Several days ago, I made cell mutation juice a gin & diet tonic with a heavy splash of cranberry juice cocktail.¬† I took one sip and then we had to go somewhere, and rather than waste totally decent alcohol, I scooped out the ice cubes and stuck the glass¬†in my freezer.¬† Totally forgot about it until yesterday and then I open the door to a nice surprise – wheeeee!¬†it was like an adult snowcone!!!¬† So tonight I’m trying a G&DT with some Fanta Grape soda.¬† It’s pretty white trash sounding but I’m hoping it will be yummy enough that I’ll be able to serve it at parties without ridicule.¬† (The Pickletinis were a huge hit, even though I was surrounded by doubters before the first sip!)¬† It won’t be ready until tomorrow night, though.

The way I look at it, this could go one of two ways:¬† Either I discover a new way to savor a cold drink in this hot Texas summer, or else it’s a Tanqueray and Vomit.¬† I’ll keep you posted.

Putting Not One But BOTH Feet In Your Mouth and It REALLY Helps To Read The Instructions, Bitch!

  • Sorry I didn’t do “Favorite Fridays” today but I’ve been out of town on business all week and I haven’t had a chance to shave my legs, let alone read the other blogs.¬† Sigh.
  • My mom told me something about someone she knew having a hard time at home, and how they had gained some weight.¬† She thought it was Stress Eating. I¬†tell my mom:¬† Self-medication.¬† We all do it, whether it’s by eating, drinking, drugging or shopping.¬† My mom:¬† Yes, we all do.¬† Me:¬† I’m taking my daily dosage right now!¬†¬† My mom:¬† I thought you said you had stopped drinking??¬† Me:¬† No, I said I would stop wasting money on booze.¬† I stole this bottle.
  • Shhh!¬† I really didn’t, but it did make her laugh, and she looked like she needed it this evening.
  • The other day, I made an offhand remark to someone I really like without thinking (I do that about once a year) and I hurt her feelers.¬† An email came to me several hours later (What took you so long, bitch??) and she called my ass on the aforementioned horrible behavior speech via email.¬† I cry if I know I’ve really hurt someone’s feelings, so I call her all bawly and shit and she’s like, “I’m okay, we’re good.”¬† Then I tell her not to wait so long to straighten my shit out the next time (hope there isn’t a”next time!”) and I go back and re-read her email after the phone call.¬† “Put yourself in MY shoes,” she wrote, “even if they aren’t Coach.”¬† Had to laugh my ass off on that one¬†AND write her back:¬† “Coach” comment was pretty snarky and bitchy…well done, YOU!¬† I’m only sad I didn’t come up with it myself!
  • While I was on the business trip, I ate the same damned meal three nights in a row.¬† I’m like a dog – find¬†a good path in the backyard, I’ll keep taking it.¬† Dayumn! but¬†those crab cakes were GOOD.
  • I finally bought a Clarisonic for my face/body.¬† The girl at the Clinique counter talked me into it with a free carrying case and well, hell! just because it was TIME.¬† She was doing a hard sell on the one-speed and I thought, what the fuck? a two-speed is just $30 more, so I caved.¬† I tried to show it to my mom tonight when she stopped by to see the Wormy Kitty, and I was all, “It’s broken.¬† Mine’s broken.¬† What the hell? I have to take it back!!”¬† My ever-so-calm mother asked for the instructions and pointed out that it has to charge for at least 24 hours before the first use.¬† “It’s in bold, black letters.”¬† Thanks a LOT, mom, for not only making me feel stupid but for also having skin that doesn’t need a Clarisonic.¬† I swear, I was CHEATED when God gave me my skin.¬† My mom could pass for about 20 years younger than she really is!
  • Texas is not a place to go camping.¬† With all these fucking mosquitos, all you have to do is roll over on a tick in your sleeping bag and you have West Nile Virus with a twist of Lyme Disease.
  • Bought a muzzle for Rainbow for when he is going to be out with Wormy Kitty, because he really seems to want to GNAW on her.¬† I put a pink camo bandanna on him and he seems to have calmed down somewhat.
  • So the Probably Broken Toe, which seems to be now something much more serious, has caused me to limp so much that I pulled a muscle in the other fucking foot.¬† I will most likely need a cane (which will complete my Becoming A Crotchety Old Woman) if this keeps up!
  • I asked my mom tonight if she thought it was MS.¬† I don’t even know what MS is, but it sounds bad.¬† She just shook her head and told me to stay off the internet for a while.
  • While the non-BF and I had Wormy Kitty out last night (P.S. she is no longer wormy but I can’t shake that name, it’s too awesome!), we noticed that Rainbow sat at the foot of the bed while Blindie and Mr. Tail played with Wormy Kitty.¬† The non-BF:¬† Look!¬† Rainbow is now The Incredible Sulk!
  • Out of all of the kittens in the WORLD that I could rescue, I rescue the Crazy Insane Serial Killer Kitty.¬† That motherfucker (now worm-free!) is plotting to smother me in my sleep and eat my hair.¬† The raucus in the other room, well, I just don’t think she is ready for Prime Time yet.
  • Whoa!¬† All the animals are quiet now.¬† I’m afraid.¬† Very afraid.

Totally Random Tuesday

  • I wish for a real winter this year so all the mosquitos and other bugs will die.¬† I hate bugs with a passion.¬† All these idiots around here who hate cold weather need to shut it this year.¬† I’m sick of worrying that each time I take the dogs out, a West Nile Virus mosquito will get me.
  • When I kill a bug, I have to use about eight paper towels to pick its dead body up with.¬† Not one – no, that might mean I’d feel its crunchy, nasty,¬†broken bug body through the paper towel.¬† I also have to Lysol the floor and surrounding areas (just in case some bug juice got there, too).
  • If I see a bug, I squeal like a little girl.¬† I know, pathetic.¬† I’m pretty independent but I’ve been known to call my mommy and daddy to come kill bugs for me.¬† I tried that with the non-BF once and he just sighed and told me he was going to bed.¬† My charm works most of the time, but a 30 minute drive to kill a spider?¬† I don’t think so.¬† (I will still try anyway…never hurts to ask.)
  • I don’t even know why bugs were ever created.¬† What fucking purpose do they serve, other than to annoy me and make my skin crawl, and to keep exterminators employed?¬† Maybe bugs were created on the Seventh Day, when God took a rest.¬† Some rebel angel thought, “Hey, let’s mess with the humans and give them this shit!”
  • Looked at the bottom of my foot just now and realized I am overdue for a pedicure even though I had one less than two weeks ago.¬† SO ready for fall to be here where I can switch to boots and flats and not have to worry about my crusty-ass feet!¬† I still shave my legs every day, even in the winter.¬† I’m not that gross, thank you very much!
  • No offense to those of you who don’t in the winter.¬† I just cannot stand to have hairy legs.¬† I probably could skip a day or two, though.¬† It takes forever for the hair to grow back on my legs.¬† Should really look into laser hair removal, I know.
  • Was at a dinner party this past weekend.¬† When we arrived, I¬†poked the non-BF and pointed at a tall vase sitting on¬†the floor of the host/hostess’ house.¬† It was about 1/3 full of wine corks.¬† I told the non-BF, “See?¬† I’m not the only one who does that!”¬† (I have several vases in my house with all these different wine corks in them.¬† They’re pretty – try it.)¬† The non-BF, to the hostess:¬† I have a friend who has his guests sign the cork and he dates them.¬† You know, if it is a special event.¬† We all agreed it was a clever way to document good drinking entertaining memories.¬† I thought to myself but thankfully didn’t add to the conversation that mine would all look like: ¬†(2 corks) “9-3-12, non-GF, it was a Monday“, (4 corks) “8-31-12, non-GF, full moon”, or (3 corks) “5-15-12, non-GF, an old woman gave me a dirty look at the grocery store today.”
  • When people see my Lushy Wino Cork Vases for the first time, they always exclaim, “WOW, that’s a lot of wine you’ve had!”¬† I give them the Stink Eye because it’s not like I collected all of them in one month or anything.¬† It took me two.
  • Rainbow likes to bite his own toenails.¬† Yep, pretty disgusting and also quite unusual – I don’t know anyone else who has a dog that does that.¬† He will sit and snack on them like he is gnawing on a log of wood or something.¬† I tried painting Rainbow’s toenails once but he only let me get by with doing two of them.¬† It bugged the shit out of me that he walked around like that for a week.
  • When I go on vacation, I always pack a few workout outfits because yeah, I’m going to be more dedicated to doing that shit¬†when I’m on vacation than I am in real life.¬† Dumbass.¬† That’s just more room for shoes!
  • At least I stopped carrying an extra suitcase for shoes.¬† My Vacation Suitcase (as opposed to my Work Travel Suitcase) can fit a smallish woman in it.¬† I know because I climbed inside to see¬†if I could when I first got it.¬† Even so, I still needed an extra suitcase for my shoes.¬† Or so I thought.¬† The last vacation, I didn’t do that because I got sick of the non-BF bitching about all my luggage (that he ended up carrying, ha!).¬† So I thought I’d be nice and scale it down a bit.¬† He spent 10 minutes at the airport moving shit from my Large Enough To Stow A Dead Body bag into his small bag so I wouldn’t have to pay $100 for an over the weight limit suitcase.¬† He’s so sweet like that.¬† Next trip, hon, I promise I’ll be better!
  • When he gets a little too grumpy about it, I remind him he could be traveling with Kate Winslet on the Titanic.¬† That usually shuts him up.¬† Only because he typically won’t respond to the more absurd things I say.
  • I’m so OCD that years ago, I used to keep a Clothing Diary so I wouldn’t wear the same outfit in a month.¬† Once, a guy I was hanging out with found it and wrote the next day’s date in the diary, then penned “Red dress again.”¬† I was so pissed off at the time.¬† I thank God and the Clothing Fairy that I grew up because now, I’d snap a photo of that shit and post it on Facebook.¬† It¬†was funny.¬† And yes, I was way too uptight back then.
  • I no longer keep a Clothing Diary, by the way.¬† The Compulsive Shopping Illness I have has kind of taken care of me ever having to worry about that again.
  • No, I don’t have a spreadsheet for my clothes.¬† But it’s a grand idea, thanks!

Things I Could Go My Entire Life Without Ever Seeing Or Hearing Again

  • The Mattress Firm’s commercial in which¬†White Delivery Guy tells Frantic Housewife:¬† After eight years, your mattress practically doubles in weight from dead skin, sweat, dust mites…¬† Frantic Housewife:¬† Dust mites??!!¬†¬†Black Delivery Guy:¬† Millions of ’em, maybe more! [P.S. I am¬†freaked out about the dead skin and sweat, but they have to go and add dust mites to the mix??]
  • Madonna’s ropy arms.
  • Madonna’s fake British accent.
  • Why don’t I go ahead and just say, Madonna, period.
  • Michael Vick¬† He needs to just go away.
  • Fist bumping
  • Kourtney Kardashian.¬† Both seeing and hearing.¬† That nasaly voice and those eye-rolls?¬† No wonder Scott drinks so much!
  • This commercial.¬† I have to turn the channel every time or I ended up a snotty, bawling mess.
  • Sagging pants.¬† Why this trend still remains alive baffles me.¬† Why it ever started in the first place baffles me even more.
  • The word “irregardless”
  • The non-word “fixin'” – as in “I’m fixin’ to go to Wal-Mart, you wanna go with?”¬† I’m FIXIN’ to shove my fist down your throat if you use that word again.¬† And NO.¬† I do not want to go with you to Wal-Mart.¬† My NASCAR pajama bottoms and lime green tube top ain’t clean today.
  • “Go with.”¬† I always thought that was so stupid to say. And I’ve even said it myself, once, until I realized how fucking ridiculous it sounded coming out of my mouth.
  • A pee puddle.¬† “Not on my wood floors, bad dogs!”¬† Not in this lifetime, though.¬† I’m destined to mop up¬†so often my fingers will want to fall off.
  • Any “Re” commercial.¬† Rephresh, Replense, Re-what-the-fuck-ever!¬† I don’t talk about my¬†nether region¬†that often, let alone think about them that much – so please tell me WHY¬†you have to mention them all the fucking time?
  • People who tell me they won’t get their pets spayed/neutered because “It will change them,” or “They won’t be happy without balls anymore.”¬† Shut the fuck UP, dumb asshole.¬† They don’t CARE.¬† P.S. I have some photos of all the dogs and cats that are euthanized each year because of¬†irresponsible owners like your own damned self.¬† If you’d like, I can send copies to your home or office.¬† You’re welcome.
  • “Ma’am.”¬† The next time someone calls me that, I am going to leap crawl over the counter and beat them senseless with my walking cane!
  • Hateful salespeople.¬† Case in point:¬† I went to return a dress¬†the other day¬†that I ordered online for work.¬† Beautiful fit on every single part of me except my back.¬† I have tiny shoulders, so a lot of clothes bunch up on my upper back.¬† I limp into the store (not for effect, I really do have a problem with my right foot) and wait patiently while some totally high maintenance (well, higher maintenance than me) bitch in front of me goes on and on about boot socks with the salesgirl.¬† Another salesgirl walks up to the counter to “help” me.¬† Her, not really looking at me:¬† How can I help you?¬† Me:¬† I’d like to return this dress.¬† C-U-Next-Tuesday Salesgirl:¬† Was there something wrong with it? (in an accusing tone, fucking bitch! yeah, she said it the way you imagined just now)¬† Me:¬† It fit all right, it just bunched up behind my shoulders and looked weird.¬† C-U-Next-Tuesday Salesgirl:¬† I need your Visa! (she snapped that shit at me, too!)¬† Me:¬† Um, okay [and then I hand it over].¬† C-Word Salesgirl:¬†[Hands me my receipt, looking at me contemptously, nothing uttered from her mouth.]¬† Me:¬† Thank You.¬† The C Word Salesbirl:¬† Yeah, what.ever.¬† Oh My GOD, I am totally writing the company and plugging this shit on Facebook!¬† Bitch, if you don’t want to deal with RETURNS and the PUBLIC, get out of a customer service job.¬† I’m quite certain there are many out there who will gladly take your fucking job.¬† P.S.¬† Your hair looked like Rainbow just pissed on it.¬† Get a different stylist, and SOON.
  • P.P.S.¬† Your outfit totally sucked.¬† Not a good representative for your brand.
  • I’m not really that vindictive.¬† I just let it all loose in here so I can be normal and not so stabby in the Real World!

“Loss Is Loss”

And it is.¬† It doesn’t matter if it is a relationship, a friend, a family member dying or the loss of a beloved pet.¬† Loss is loss.

Once upon a time, there was this really self-centered, selfish¬†girl who didn’t think about much except the next moment.¬† She pretty much lived life like there was no tomorrow.¬† No planning, kind of scattered.¬† A really charming fuck-up.¬† When she broke up with yet another loser boyfriend, she felt like maybe she needed a little something more in her life.¬† Not more men, but perhaps a puppy.

So this girl adopted a dog.¬† This union was meant to be.¬† I don’t think anyone would have put up with her at that time in her life, or with him.¬† He was trouble, and trust me,¬†so was she.

Typical story, not very interesting, except for the fact that the next four years led her from selfish bitch to humanitarian dogitarian.¬† Said dog ended up with a chronic disease that the girl continued to fight for three years until it wasn’t a fight anymore.¬† She had to let him go with dignity.¬† It was the hardest thing this girl ever decided to do (fuck those two marriages, they meant a LOT less to her than this precious dog).¬† At the time, she never, ever thought she would love like that again.¬† She found her “soul mate” and he was a four-legged one.¬† That hot mess bundle of trouble taught her so much more about life and love than she ever expected.

She did find love again.¬† She loved/still loves a human boy a LOT.¬† She would crawl over broken glass for him.¬† Since her beloved dog that died nine years ago, this girl has had four dogs she loved more than anything on this earth, other than the human boy.¬† Then one of them died this year, and she was sad again, but she recovered more quickly this time because she learned that first time¬†dogs kind of¬†pave our way to heaven, and it’s all okay when they leave us because we will be with them again someday.

Now there are three.  And a cat.

Today, she sits and writes with three dogs.  Her dog blankets are stinky and she is forever cleaning up after the furbrats.  She has to plan her evenings around medicine time, and some days, she is taxed with just rounding up those little dogs to get them in line and on a single sofa for rest!  My God, it is a never-ending battle for this girl, and usually, the dogs win.  (Not that she cares.)  Even so, this girl believes that no matter what the struggle, it is worth it.  It is worth it.

And it always is.  Yes, it always is.

How To Spoil Your Inner Child

  • Buy your inner child lots of presents.¬† Your inner child just loves presents.
  • Always give in to your inner child, especially when¬†she throws herself on the floor, kicking and screaming.¬† Your inner child will thank you later.¬† Maybe.
  • Remind your inner child often, like every hour, how beautiful¬†she is.¬† Even if your inner child is having a¬†Bad Hair Day.
  • If your inner child comes in at second place in the school poetry writing contest, tell your inner child that¬†she really deserved first place.¬† They just gave it to that other girl because she’s ugly and her mom shows up in dirty sweatpants all the time when she comes to pick her up from school.
  • When you are playing Monopoly with your inner child,¬†ignore the extra $100 bill¬†she took when¬†she passed “Go.”¬† Let your inner child get all the good real estate, even if you land on it first.¬† And let your inner child win, every single time.¬†¬†She may¬†very well¬†become a real estate magnate someday, and let you live on Park Place.¬† Or at least let you live on Baltic Avenue at a reduced rent.
  • If there is only one cookie left in the box, let your inner child take it.¬† As your inner child says, “You didn’t need a cookie anyway, fat-ass.”
  • When you are at a party and your inner child gets all silly and stumbly and knocks over the punch bowl because¬†she¬†had a few too many fizzy gin drinks, explain to the hostess and other party guests that your inner child had a¬†bad day and she¬†really just needed to cut loose.¬† Trust me, we all know how hard your inner child works you works.
  • Answer your inner child with “Yes, you are the smartest and the prettiest girl on the block.”¬† If that doesn’t work,¬†say the entire world,¬† In fact, you might as well say that to begin with¬†because that is what your inner child thinks anyway, and it will save you time and energy in the long run.
  • If your inner child tells you “NO!” or “Fuck you!”,¬†don’t spank¬†or chastise her.¬† She is merely expressing herself and is well on her way to growing up and becoming the mouthy bitch everyone else will hate but will be too afraid to say it to her face.

Favorite Fridays

Not to be confused with #FF, even though I really need to start doing that.  Does it count that I do it in here?

Each Friday (well, each Friday I can remember to do so), I am going to link to a few blog posts I really love.  They may be new or from the archives.  But these are the ones that either really got to me (in a good, emotional way), made me laugh so hard I pissed my pants or made me stop and think.

For my Favorite Friday, I give you:

“Mayor Gia’s Ark Story”

No one taught me this shit in Sunday school!  Where were you during my formative years, Mayor Gia?

Smell My Paw’s “Kitty DrunkDrunk Wonders Why She Keeps Dreaming Of Cheese

I’m grooming Wormy Kitty to be just like KDD.

The Bloggess’ And That’s Why You Should Learn To Pick Your Battles”

A fucking classic!

P.S. You were great on Katie!  But what was up with the photo on the screen behind the first guest about 22 minutes in?  It looked like a picture of a bunch of shiny red vaginas.

The Management’s “Lies I Have Recently Told My Mother”

Especially numbers 3, 6 and 9.

Crazy World’s “It’s My Big 40th Today”

Happy belated and I’m so sorry about your eyes!

Thoughts From Paris’ The Plain Yogurt Disaster”

Because plain yogurt does taste like death.

Happy Friday, All!

I Feel Pretty

The sweet and dishy Teri gave me the Laine Blogger Award for Beauty.  Thanks hon!  Here are the rules for this award:
1. Answer the 5 questions below (same ones that I’ve answered)

2. Pass the award on to 5 other beautiful bloggers

1. What is your current beauty obsession? Anything anti-aging. Right now I‚Äôm trying Lancome‚Äôs Visionnaire and Genefique. Not sure if it is working but I‚Äôm only using it in the a.m. because I suck. Aslo trying any BB cream I can get my hands on. Working my way through the drugstore brands then I‚Äôll test the higher end ones. Oh, and They‚Äôre Real mascara by Benefit is awesome when it‚Äôs topped with a coat of the Hypnose Doll Lashes. For night, Sephora‚Äôs Atomic Volume as the third coat makes for some pretty good bedroom eyes. Bobbi Brown eyeshadows in a neutral color for an eyeshadow base. Urban Decay 24/7 eyeliners are about the best thing I‚Äôve every held in my grubby little paws! Plus, kickass color names. Packaging and branding get me every time! Right now, I wear Crash ‚Äď great with brown eyes. Most favorite eye shadow EVER: Lounge by Uban Decay. I have about three extra just in case! Love any kind of volumizing shit for my mousy hair (currently: John Frieda). Oh yeah, and any Essie or Deborah Lippmann nail polish. Okay, so I‚Äôm kind of a beauty junkie. Add that to my ever-growing list of vices.

2. What is the one beauty item you wish you owned? Without a doubt, a Clarisonic Sonic Cleansing System. As much money as I have spent on clothes, accessorites, shoes, purses, skincare, makeup and jewelry, one would think I would have acquired one of these babies YEARS ago. Nope. It always slips my mind. Before the end of the year, I will have one (if I can just remember to buy it!). My skin will thank me. Get yourself one ‚Äď your skin will thank you, too. Then we can sit around and tell each other how gorgeous we are!

3. What is your favorite topic to read about? I don’t have a favorite topic, per se. How about some favorite topics? Fashion, beauty, crime, serial killers, paranormal occurrences, faith and spirituality, cooking (I don’t cook but I collect cookbooks, especially vintage ones), dogs, finance, marketing, social media, plants, gardening (I don’t do gardening, either, well not yet), shoes and living a simpler life (ha!).

4. What inspired you to become a blogger?

Getting the crazy out of my head and in here where it could do less damage.

Seriously? I‚Äôve been writing since I was five years old. I had a blog called non-girlfriend that I wrote from early 2004 until late 2006. I kind of missed the bullshit I wrote back then, and then reading Jenny Lawson‚Äôs blog¬†pretty much inspired me to bring non-girlfriend back. I tried writing about ‚Äúnormal‚ÄĚ shit for a while but it didn‚Äôt feel like home to me. This does. Love it or hate it, I don‚Äôt really give a damn. This time, I‚Äôm not going anywhere, so you‚Äôre stuck with me. Nyah! [Plus, I need something to do at 3 a.m. when I wake up to the sounds of Wormy Kitty doing back flips off the walls of her Kitty Prison.]

5. What nail polish are you wearing now? Essie‚Äôs ‚ÄúMeet Me At Sunset‚ÄĚ on my fingers. Unnamed Essie color on my toes because I left my pedicure without taking the nail polish I brought. I lose, pedicurist wins. It was a fucking full bottle, too. Sigh. Oh, but yeah, it‚Äôs a plummy rosy color. My toes never match my fingers unless I go off my meds.

And now it’s my pleasure to pass this along to five beautiful bloggers. Please visit them when you have time:

The Hartley Hooligans

Five Legs Between Us

No Pithy Phrase

Cerebral Milkshake