Totally Random Tuesday

  • You know you live in a small town when the Chamber of Commerce marquee flashes “Kelly Copeland is the Bunco Queen!” as you drive by.
  • The Saltine crackers with the unsalted tops – are they still really Saltines?
  • Sometimes, I am actually as fabulous as I think I am.
  • A couple years ago, a rock bounced up from the highway and cracked my front windshield.  I was singing “Safelite repair, Safelite replace!” for about three weeks.  At work.  At home.  Out in public.  It’s still somewhat shameful to recall those dark days.
  • Whatever program randomizes my SMS pass codes for my server at work is rather pervy.  Today alone, I got pass codes with “fux,” “sex” and “tit” in them.  Password Porn.  It happens so often now, it isn’t even interesting anymore.
  • The other day, I was hungry and called my mom to take me to dinner at Costco.  Sometimes I send my dad back for seconds (and thirds), because he doesn’t get all bent out of shape asking for extra samples like my mom does.
  • Years ago, before I started that awful smoking habit, I had the most outrageous sweet tooth.  That disappeared when the nasty habit took over.  Even though I quit, to this day I’d rather have a Lay’s potato chip over a brownie, hands down.
  • Ernest Hemingway said, “Write drunk; edit sober.”  He also wrote while in the nude.  Drunk naked blogging.  That would kick ass!
  • Thanks mucho to @Katjaneway who warned me of the dangers of owning a pygmy goat.  I’m wavering now, but a part of me is still convinced that my life would be complete if only I owned a tiny goat.
  • I have strict instructions for my parents in the event I lapse into a coma.  Someone MUST pluck the hair that grows out of the mole on my cheek.  Also, if I die, they are required to keep a shrine up for one year.  A pink shrine.  Cremate my ass, and no funeral, nope.  I don’t want to be mourned, but I do want to be idolized.  And there must be glitter.  Lots of glitter.
  • Don’t hate me because I have a mole on my cheek that grows a hair.  It’s not like I have a mustache or anything like that.  And I pluck on a regular basis.
  • I have had a strict policy for YEARS now that I answer the phone when and if I want to.  Not at work, of course – there, I am always available! – but at home after hours, hell yes.  Just because it rings doesn’t mean you have to answer the fucker.
  • My first trip abroad was over 11 years ago (and pre-9/11 – back then, you could fly drunk).  We had a layover in Boston, so we hit the pubs.  At the time, I hated taking photos, so I didn’t own a camera and I borrowed my mom’s.  (Pre-cell phone camera days, obviously.)  We got so blitzed at this one Irish pub that I put the camera on the ground next to my purse, then left an hour later without it.  I called my mom the next day from England:  “Mom, I’m okay, I’m fine!”  She was beside herself, thinking something had happened.  Then I told her I lost her camera.  Best way to break bad news to a parent is to make it sound like you barely escaped death.  They forgive much easier that way.
  • P.S. I told her the truth later.  She didn’t find it as amusing as I did.
  • P.P.S. Since then, I have bought my own camera.  Funny, I never managed to lose it.
  • I would love to see all the weird shit people put on flower delivery cards.  I bet florists have some stories to tell.  They probably also know who are having illicit affairs.
  • I am one of those people who, when they see a bag by the side of the road, thinks there is a dead body inside.
  • I also get really sad about roadkill.  Even if it isn’t actually roadkill.  “Poor bag!”
  • I brake for squirrels.  And birds.
  • Online window shopping is about my most favorite vertical thing to do.  Drunk online shopping is worse than a one night stand, though.  No diseases, true, but four $40 t-shirts in the same color but different sizes?  Bitch, please, just go to bed the next time!
  • I don’t get text messages and emails that just say “Hi!”  If you are going to distract me from my day, you better have something to say.
  • Never buy into a cryptic Facebook status update that makes you wonder what is wrong.  “So sad.”  “Oh, depressed again.”  “I can’t take much more.”  Honey, I am the QUEEN of attention whores…at least make it interesting, please.
  • It’s taken every fiber of my being to NOT get another dog.  No, I don’t want a replacement for Mr. Swirly (as if that exists!), but it really is too quiet around here!
  • There are around 650 calories in a bottle of white wine (give or take).  Or, as the non-BF calls it, a “serving.”  If I cut out lunch and dinner, I’ll still make my daily intake goal!
  • I totally had to Google how many calories were in a bottle of white wine.
  • Grief makes people do weird things.  I stopped eating and cried constantly when I lost my first Min Pin.  With Mr. Swirly’s passing, I’ve been making jokes about what a crazy, swirly dog he was.  I prefer the laughter over the crying.  Even though I do still cry a little bit.  He was a great dog.  A dog like no other.  I dare people to show me a stranger little fucker than that dog.  He walked backwards and tried on my flip-flops.  I still miss him 😦
  • Sometimes, I don’t know when to quit.  Like now.  I guess this is the end of this!

3 responses

  1. You’re welcome. Perhaps maybe if it was truly tiny. And trained. Like an indoor pet. But even pygmy goats are a bit larger than a medium sized dog. Oh also, I loved this list. Some of them are totally true for me too lol

  2. I’m still debating the pygmy goat. Hell, I don’t need something that gives my dogs shit, though!

  3. Losing a pet sucks! As for the wine it sounds like a win win to me. haha Isn’t it funny how we can lose our PARENTS stuff but ours somehow always stays in our possession?

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