I’m A Morning Person

Not really.  I just tell people that to annoy them.  Nobody likes Morning People.  Unless they are one.  And secretly, Morning People suffer from self-loathing that manifests itself in eating disorders, compulsiveness, and shopping addictions.

Wait, I just described myself.  Never mind.  Good morning!

I woke up at about 4 a.m. and turned on the television.  Just like the saying “Nothing good happens after midnight” (I think I was told that as a teen so I’d make curfew, but it stuck), nothing good is on TV after 2 a.m.  Well, not on the regular cable channels.  No Law & Order reruns, Charmed or Smallville.  Or Angel.  Not that I watch any of those.  (Well, maybe the Law & Order. I think Sam Waterston is hot in an older guy, fatherly type way.  But that is a topic for further discussion at another time, preferably when I have an empty stomach and some Xanax.)

Infomercials permeate late night TV.  And most TV viewers at that hour are vulnerable.  (Think insomniatic, unemployed, binge drinker, or just plain bored.)  Thank God I saved myself!  Almost bought the Tracy Anderson Method and a Total Gym.  Now I can use that money for booze and hot pants.


I’m a pretty limber person, even with my bad back and all.  Not as limber as I was when I was 20 (who is?), but I routinely sit with my legs all crossed in a yoga pose.  No, I don’t do yoga, that would require effort and commitment on my part, two qualities that I don’t possess at the moment, but I know it is a yoga pose because (a) I used to do yoga (well, I went to two classes, does that count?) and (2) people ask me if I do when they see me sitting like that.

Back in the day, by the way, I could put both of my legs behind my head.  Lots of fun at parties, but embarrassing when you get stuck as you are showing off this talent at say, WORK.  Thank God for understanding bosses.


I totally got busted yesterday when I started to tell my parents about the Toilet Paper War that I’m waging against the Nosy Office Manager around the corner from me.  (Yes, my teepee sting was successful, but now the other people in my office think I am insane.)  My mom cut me off with an I Know All About It comment and shook her finger at me to shut up from the front seat of the car Apparently, she doesn’t want my dad finding out about the blog.

I called her last night and told her that I warned her not to read my blog.  She asked me, “So then why did you send me a link to it?”  Only thing I could think of is that I must have been intoxicated at the time, or the bath salts finally kicked in.

So, please, if you comment, say hi to my mom, too.  Because I know damned well she will still keep reading this.

4 responses

  1. haha My mom does the same thing then scolds for anything inappropriate like i’m 5. It cracks me up. Hi to your mom! Hey mom at least your daughter has interesting post. You should see some of the other stuff out there 🙂

  2. Highly energetic post, I loved that bit. Will there be a part 2?

  3. Rolex, are you real? I’m only “energetic” for real people.

  4. These entries need to be in a book! Hilarious!

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