Monday, Monday…Can’t Trust That Day…

Because it is Sunday night, which sucks because it precedes Monday, I give you this Random Shit List.  I don’t really have the energy or desire to come up with anything remotely more interesting than this:

  • I totally had the Best Dream last night in which I was hanging out with Matthew McConaughey.  He had just come in from surfing, all glistening and wet, and I made him a turkey sandwich.  Even my sex dreams suck.
  • People who decide at the last minute to exit from the left fucking lane are minions of Satan.  They can bite me.  Also, I hope all of their toenails fall off (if they are a girl) or they wake up to a forehead tattoo that says “I love my small penis” if they are boys.
  • The medical term for eating poop is coprophagy.
  • Sometimes, I’ll interject “Seinfeld” references into conversations just to see if people are paying attention.  “Maybe the dingo ate your baby!”
  • I suffer from Lilapsophobia.  Look it up.
  • I still watch “Twister” every time it’s on cable and I’m bored with nothing to do.
  • Mr. Tail suffers from Peladophobia.  And he hates men in hats, too.
  • My friends hate it when I dance in public.  I do The Elaine and The Safety Dance.  I’m not often invited back to girl outings.
  • When I meet a chick who is like me (she loves shopping, etc., but she can still hang with the boys), I totally get a girl crush.  I will go to greater lengths to impress a girl than I will a guy.  After all, with guys, you pretty much just have to show up. And have a vagina.
  • If the non-BF doesn’t pick on me while we are together, I know he is pissed.  He is the proverbial boy-dipping-your-pigtails-in-ink kind of guy.
  • Does anyone wear pigtails anymore??
  • My blind dog, Snarky, rocks.  It took her all of two days to learn the layout of my house and backyard.  Probably would have taken her only one if I didn’t spend the first day she was blind running after her and yelling, “Wall!” “Door!” “STOP!”
  • Talking to me for more than ten minutes will get you about 20 topics and not one conversation will ever be completed.  Give me an hour, though, and I’ll get back to at least five of them.
  • I spent about an hour this evening altering the Wikipedia entry for my hometown.  Somehow, I don’t think I’ll ever be crowned “Woman of the Year” there.
  • P.S. I changed it all back.  I have a guilty conscience that way.
  • I read all of the Nancy Drew mysteries in one summer, and every Little House on the Prairie book at the same time.  At one point in my life, my mom used taking away my library card as a threat when I misbehaved.
  • I was born and raised in Texas and I live here now, but I’ve never owned a pair of cowboy boots, much less put my feet in one.  I truly belong on the northeast coast and should be attending cotillions.  Except I don’t think they let girls with ink in.
  • I only watch the Kardashians when I am depressed and want to feel better about my life.  Or when I am feeling a bit mean and want endless things to make fun of.
  • Since I have pretty much given up dinner (except for vacations and special occasions, like hanging out with people who eat normal meals), if I had to give up one meal a day, it would be lunch.  I get fucking CRANKY when I don’t get my eggs.

Happy Sunday night, all.  Have a cocktail, get some sleep, get ready.  Monday comes before you know it.

2 responses

  1. Wow you had some info in this one! 🙂 You had me smiling all the way through and it’s bullshit to give a blind woman homework. Sigh 🙂

  2. Anne Sullivan, I ain’t 😉

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