I spent all afternoon/evening sleeping off the reunion and woke up just one minute before the non-BF called from the City of Brotherly Love, where he flew to just to see a concert. I know, he sucks. I wish I could be him sometimes. Well, minus the penis, because those things really must be awkward at times. I certainly wouldn’t want to walk around with that shit hanging off of me. But I digress.
After being chastised for “not talking enough” (motherfuckingHELL, that is a first! and dude, I just woke up!), he talked long enough to really get me awake just to let me off the phone to go and eat a pizza. This is when I decided to Nair off his eyebrows the next time he falls asleep at my house.
I personally HATE Sunday nights because it is the end of The Fun Weekend and the beginning of Having To Go Back To Fucking Work, so of course I am bitter and we all know what that means. A list.
Bitches, it’s what I do best. Besides shopping. And naked drunk blogging. And Excel spreadsheets. And embarrassing the non-BF. Deal with it.
Overheard This Weekend:
- I’m the most fun when I’m horizontal!
- (about getting a tattoo) Do it! You won’t regret it. Especially because you are never going to be fat, so bonus, it will never stretch out and look like something else.
- I’m sorry I put my tongue in your ear. Here’s your earring back.
- Mr. Swirly shit in the bed. No, I think it was an accident. Sometimes those things just squeeze themselves out.
- (on how much I had to drink at the reunion) I only had 4 gin & tonics. Well, five. Okay, so maybe I lost count. Fuck you.
- She was more nervous than a whore in church on Sunday (No, wait, I overheard that back many years ago. From a male boss. Fucker actually had the nerve to get upset when I took offense with his misogyny.)
- Where’s the fucking syrup?
- How about some eggs and hash browns with your Tabasco sauce?
- Oh, he’s calling me again. DENIED.
- You know, you could be really pretty if you tried.
- Hello, baby girl.
- Where is Whore Island and when can I move there?
- I’m quite sure no one will remember that you called her sister a slut.
- At least you fell down wearing fabulous shoes.