“If I Can’t Sleep, You Won’t Either”

I spent all afternoon/evening sleeping off the reunion and woke up just one minute before the non-BF called from the City of Brotherly Love, where he flew to just to see a concert.  I know, he sucks.  I wish I could be him sometimes.  Well, minus the penis, because those things really must be awkward at times.  I certainly wouldn’t want to walk around with that shit hanging off of me.  But I digress.

After being chastised for “not talking enough” (motherfuckingHELL, that is a first! and dude, I just woke up!), he talked long enough to really get me awake just to let me off the phone to go and eat a pizza.  This is when I decided to Nair off his eyebrows the next time he falls asleep at my house.

I personally HATE Sunday nights because it is the end of The Fun Weekend and the beginning of Having To Go Back To Fucking Work, so of course I am bitter and we all know what that means.  A list.

Bitches, it’s what I do best.  Besides shopping.  And naked drunk blogging.  And Excel spreadsheets. And embarrassing the non-BF.  Deal with it.

Overheard This Weekend:

  • I’m the most fun when I’m horizontal!
  • (about getting a tattoo)  Do it!  You won’t regret it.  Especially because you are never going to be fat, so bonus, it will never stretch out and look like something else.
  • I’m sorry I put my tongue in your ear.  Here’s your earring back.
  • Mr. Swirly shit in the bed.  No, I think it was an accident.  Sometimes those things just squeeze themselves out.
  • (on how much I had to drink at the reunion) I only had 4 gin & tonics.  Well, five.  Okay, so maybe I lost count.  Fuck you.
  • She was more nervous than a whore in church on Sunday (No, wait, I overheard that back many years ago.  From a male boss.  Fucker actually had the nerve to get upset when I took offense with his misogyny.)
  • Where’s the fucking syrup?
  • How about some eggs and hash browns with your Tabasco sauce?
  • Oh, he’s calling me again.  DENIED.
  • You know, you could be really pretty if you tried.
  • Hello, baby girl.
  • Where is Whore Island and when can I move there?
  • I’m quite sure no one will remember that you called her sister a slut.
  • At least you fell down wearing fabulous shoes.

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