Let us start this with: I’ve been at home for two fucking days.
First of all, yesterday was meant to be a day off and turned into a sick day where I spent most of the day bungee-corded to the toilet. I know, MORE THAN YOU WANT TO KNOW. Oh, and for all of you out there who are sick and tired of bloggers talking about bodily functions, you can leave now, it doesn’t get much better. Thanks, baby! [P.S. Shitting and farting are normal. I say, come to grips with your Ass Issues and then give me a call. Love ya!]
Then, it was more than I could do to leave my bed, and I was sort of dehydrated and really couldn’t lift my arm to press the button and change the channel, so it was stuck on the E! network. The grilled cheese I ate at my mom’s house never really kicked in.
So basically, I just spent two days in bed with Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kris, Rob, Lamar and Bruce. It was the one place I never thought or hoped I’d be, and yet, I couldn’t look away. By the way, the two teenagers weren’t allowed in. They dog-sat my furbrats. I am ethical and I do have standards. Unlike the Kardashians. (My GOD, why are those girls even allowed on that show, I ask you???)
Normally, I only watch Giada on the cooking channels and maybe some Law & Order reruns (SVU, because I still love Elliot, and the regular one, because of that unfortunate crush I have on Sam Waterston). I was kind of held hostage by my weakened state, so I spent hours (literally) listening to them whine and say “like” a lot.
(I tried counting the number of times Kim said “like” in only one episode but gave up and started punching myself in the face.)
I’m a pretty smart girl. I know that shit is NOT real. But somehow, in my less-than-normal state, I started getting into that fucking show. I even came up with clever nicknames for all of them. (The only one I can say in here is “Dickface” for Scott. He reminds me of all the assholes I wouldn’t date in college.)
I’m just so very glad to say that my Bowel Problem, the one that caused me to live in my bathroom for over a day, well it’s GONE. Tomorrow, I go back to the Land of the Living and leave the zombies to eat them (if the Kardashians don’t eat the zombies first!). I really hope I never, ever see another Kardashian in print or online again. (Can I say here that I really kinda dig Khloe? She is the only one I would trust to watch my purse or drive me somewhere.)
P.S. Bruce, honey? I still think you are kinda cute but ditch those earrings and we can talk. I certainly don’t yell as much in my LIFETIME as Kris does in one episode. Food for thought, baby. Food. For. Thought.