Totally Random Tuesday (One Day Early Because Tomorrow, I Plan On Being Lazy As Fuck)

  • The A/C in our office wasn’t working properly today, and it never really cooled off, even into the afternoon.  After sitting in the dark with the blinds closed for over an hour, I finally threw a wadded up piece of paper at the Office Mate with “Go home, it’s hot as hell in here!” written on it.  No texting, intercoms or emails at my work.  I prefer the old fashioned and fun method of communication.  Plus, I really just love to throw things at people.
  • I didn’t realize just how high maintenance I was about ordering food until the waiter we had at lunch today came up to our booth and said, “Here are all your sides.”

I think I made about SIX substitutions to my fucking salad.  It’s that bad. And oh yeah, I’m one of those “but on the side” people.

  • I went to run an errand for work at the store today, and since my pharmacy is located in the store, I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone.  None of the pharmacy techs seemed to notice me there until I told the Office Mate that I needed to pick up my Crazy Pills.  Then none of them would wait on me.  Counter intuitive reaction on their part is my opinion…why make a crazy person wait?
  • Was talking on the phone with a friend today and she told me my life was like a sitcom and that I should have my own reality TV show.  I responded by admitting to her that I’m the sixth Kardashian sister, but since I’m short, blonde, not hairy and have some taste, they won’t allow me on the show.
  • I totally love my furbrats, but since going out in the backyard with them right now is like walking through a biohazard zone without a Hazmat suit, they’re on their own!  P.S. If I suddenly stop posting, one of the 40 fucking mosquito bites on my legs did me in.  Fucking West Nile virus.
  • I want a t-shirt that says “Momma drinks because you bark, shit on the floor, piss yourself silly when I am gone for more than ten minutes and occasionally try on my shoes” but I don’t think all of that would fit on my chest.
  • Once, years ago, I gave a girlfriend a condolence card at her engagement party.  At least I didn’t have to wear one of the fucking UGLY bridesmaid dresses she picked out!
  • Yeah, this on I-20 Sunday evening.  It’s for real, y’all:

It speaks for itself. P.P.S. I still laugh at fart jokes.

  • When I showed the photo to my Baby Bro, he proceeded to tell me all about the company and while I was impressed with his knowledge (who knows shit like that?  seriously?), I just told him to shut the fuck up, laugh about it and don’t go off on one of your hour-long history-of-whatever-shit talks like you like to do.
  • I wonder if my cousin is still reading my blog because dude, you are SO sitting by me at the next family reunion!  I totally need to catch you up on shit and stuff.
  • DYAC – tried to type “compliments” and it turned it into “clump limners.”  What the FUCK is a clump limner?
  • By the way, even Google doesn’t know.  And Google knows everything.
  • I sent my hair girl a photo of my hair this morning because I was so very proud that I finally did a blow out that looked semi-professional.  I’m quite sure she probably thinks I’m stalking her.  Or deranged.  Or both.
  • Speaking of stalkers, a girl I knew from high school spent about 6 months texing and/or calling me with the latest update on her (always one-way) “relationships” with various losery men.   I finally had to change her ringtone on my iPhone to warn me of incoming calls.  Unfortunately, it is also the ringtone I gave my alarm monitoring company.  Now when it goes off, I never know if my front door is being kicked in or if I will have to listen to a 45 minute self-absorbed monologue from a histrionic narcissist.
  • Come on, you all have a “friend” like that.
  • I went to go pee and came back to find out that WordPress fucking LOGGED ME OUT and I totally lost about eight bullet points.  Good thing I’m sober because I remember about half of them.
  • A really cool friend of mine is a teacher and asked for volunteers to speak to her class about careers.  I jumped right on that shit and said the non-BF and I could come and speak.  He could be the shining example of hard work, higher education and terrific people skills.  I could be the cautionary tale of what happens when idiots quit college to get married only to end up divorced less than two years later, and then end up spending about 15 years catching the fuck up with their career.
  • By the way, she still wants me to come and speak 🙂
  • I came up with a new company policy to go to the local rec center and work out every day before we go home.  It’s called Forced Fitness because I like to have someone to work out with.
  • I noticed last week that a bottle of gin typically outlasts a bottle of diet tonic water.  Perhaps I should reconsider becoming a bartender.
  • The other day, my dad asked me if I always talk to myself.  He’s known me all my life and he is just now noticing that I am bat-shit crazy?
  • The non-BF is about to buy a car with air-conditioned seats.  Yep, you read that correctly.  Motherfucker won’t even buy my ass a used Mini Cooper.  I better be getting liposuction for Christmas!
  • Side note to the Office Mate:  Yeah, I drank the last diet Red Bull.

7 responses

  1. Could you possibly be related to Chelsea Handler??? SO funny!

  2. I’m the love child of Chelsea and Chuy. Shhh, don’t tell anyone!

  3. Does your fun have a record function? Make your own ringtone. “DO NOT ANSWER. It’s that crazy bitch. If you answer I will never forgive you.” Or whatever.

  4. I have a feeling you better bring your Office Mate a diet Red Bull tomorrow. lol

  5. @ Mousegoddess, I have considered that. Typically I hit the “Denied!” button on my phone and let it go to voice mail, where I can listen to that shit while sharp objects aren’t around, since her voice tends to make me want to poke out my own eyeballs.

  6. You are one busy woman!

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