Totally Random Shit I Said, Did, Questioned, Thought About and/or Experienced Today:
- “One day, you might feel very generous and decide to buy me a Mini Cooper.” (said me to the non-BF, as he talked finances with me – all way over my head! – and I realized I’ll never, ever be one of those Ladies Who Lunch. Thank God.)
- He really still could buy me a Mini. I’m totally independent, y’all, but I want a new car and I am not above whoring myself out for one.
- The non-BF responded with “No more jewelry for you!” Fuck that shit, I better back-track, and FAST.
- Decided 2:00 p.m. for a “lunch date” at Target (with myself) was a good idea. Until the Devil Child From Hell in the store started screaming and what is left of my reproductive system tried to make a break for it via my vagina.
- Is it wrong that I call Snarky (my dog who cannot see) “Blindie?” It really is sort of a cute name.
- When I was in college studying English, I had a professor who said people who used commas too often were like “loose girls.” Not only was I highly offended by that comment (what about the guys who were promiscuous? I bet you think exclamation points are okay, misogynistic old dude!), but since then, I am so very careful about commas. Not about semi-colons, though. No, not me. I throw that shit around like a motherfucker!
- Re: the service provider I was talking to about my home repairs totally needs to go to Non-Girlfriend’s School of Customer Service: “He’s servicing me, not the other way around. I want my Happy Ending!” Bitch, please. Just pick up the phone and call my fucking ass. Who is paying whom here??
- Mom, please don’t Google that phrase. You really do NOT want to know.
- This whole shopping “disorder” I have (i.e., not enough money to buy all the shit I
needwant) is driving me crazycrazier. And the family! Well hell, my mom gives me flyers from stores every weekend, telling me “Look at this, it’s on SALE!” It’s like driving a drunk to the Buck & Ruck and telling them “Here’s fifty dollars – go on, knock yourself out!“
P.S. For those of you who might think I’m a materialistic bitch, I am. I love shiny things! But I also give homeless people beer money, I regularly donate to local no-kill shelters, and have successfully fostered over 30 animals in my day. Plus I have and still would risk my life to save an animal. Or person.
Put that in your judgmental pipe and smoke it!