I Want My Happy Ending, Damn It!!

Totally Random Shit I Said, Did, Questioned, Thought About and/or Experienced Today:

  • “One day, you might feel very generous and decide to buy me a Mini Cooper.” (said me to the non-BF, as he talked finances with me – all way over my head! – and I realized I’ll never, ever be one of those Ladies Who Lunch. Thank God.)
  • He really still could buy me a Mini.  I’m totally independent, y’all, but I want a new car and I am not above whoring myself out for one.
  • The non-BF responded with “No more jewelry for you!”  Fuck that shit, I better back-track, and FAST.
  • Decided 2:00 p.m. for a “lunch date” at Target (with myself) was a good idea.  Until the Devil Child From Hell in the store started screaming and what is left of my reproductive system tried to make a break for it via my vagina.
  • Is it wrong that I call Snarky (my dog who cannot see) “Blindie?”  It really is sort of a cute name.
  • When I was in college studying English, I had a professor who said people who used commas too often were like “loose girls.” Not only was I highly offended by that comment (what about the guys who were promiscuous? I bet you think exclamation points are okay, misogynistic old dude!), but since then, I am so very careful about commas.  Not about semi-colons, though. No, not meI throw that shit around like a motherfucker!
  • Re: the service provider I was talking to about my home repairs totally needs to go to Non-Girlfriend’s School of Customer Service:  “He’s servicing me, not the other way around.  I want my Happy Ending!”  Bitch, please.  Just pick up the phone and call my fucking assWho is paying whom here??
  • Mom, please don’t Google that phrase.  You really do NOT want to know.
  • This whole shopping “disorder” I have (i.e., not enough money to buy all the shit I need want) is driving me crazy crazier.  And the family!  Well hell, my mom gives me flyers from stores every weekend, telling me “Look at this, it’s on SALE!”  It’s like driving a drunk to the Buck & Ruck and telling them “Here’s fifty dollars – go on, knock yourself out!

P.S. For those of you who might think I’m a materialistic bitch, I am.  I love shiny things!  But I also give homeless people beer money, I regularly donate to local no-kill shelters, and have successfully fostered over 30 animals in my day.  Plus I have and still would risk my life to save an animal.  Or person.

Put that in your judgmental pipe and smoke it!

6 responses

  1. Hey, comments! They don’t show up in the mobile site.

  2. Because I have to approve them first. Welcome to my happy world where I get to say Fuck a lot and no one tells me “Shhh!”

  3. Ah screaming spawn…best birth control EVER (also, babysitting ill-mannered nieces/nephews).

    I can’t remember how to spell “niece” correctly…some English degree. Snort.

    While I generally vote for not ever explaining yourself to judgemental motherfuckers out there, I’m amazed and impressed at your fostering abilities. I’m terrified to do that…and not being able to let them go. Plus, two dogs each over 100lbs means no room for anything else in our house…

  4. Wow, now I am impressed with you having the big dogs. They used to scare me and since doing animal rescue, I learned they are way cooler than the tiny ones. Those tiny ones are bundles of neuroses! My next dog will probably be a pittie. I tend to go for the underdog (no pun intended). Still, I love my little bundles of craziness!

    And yes, screaming children make my vagina want to snap shut.

    P.S. Jess, how do you think I ended up with Buzzy, Nico and Mookie? All fucking fosters! And I cannot imagine my life without them!

  5. I got my degree in English and had many inappropriate English professors, too. Sorry that you got that the one that wasn’t funny– misogynist prick.

    Loved your list 🙂 Hope you had a good day. And I also thinks it’s cute you address/warn your mom in your blogs. I do the same thing, even though I highly doubt she listens. Does your mom?

    Glad I found your blog today 🙂

  6. Thanky Lady J! No, mine doesn’t listen either. You would think they’d learn…

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