It’s Like There’s A Fucking MAGNET On My House!

For some reason, any stray or lost dog in the neighborhood always seems to find my house.  I’m quite certain the all the dogs in the Dog Universe talk to each other, and one must have spread the word about me years ago.

“That bitch down the street?  The one with the red car?  Sucker.  Yep, go sit in front of her house and look sad.  Or cute.  No wait, both.  Both is better.  You’ll have a home in no time at all.”

I come home from picking up the bed, and as we drive up to my house, I see my neighbor looking over the fence into my backyard.

I ask my dad, “Now what?” because all the fucking animals in this town seem to like my backyard.  Including my neighbor’s chickens. [Yes, my neighbor has chickens.  And no, I don’t think it’s legal, but I love chickens so I don’t give a flying fuck.  Until they get in my backyard and Rainbow, my gay dog, kills one of them and I have to chase his ass down while he is prancing around, all proud and shit, to try and pry the dead bird out of his mouth and then skulk over to the neighbor’s house in shame because Killer over here has once again mauled one of his stupid fucking chickens that cannot seem to learn that dog + chickens is not a pleasant outcome.  Chickens are stupid.]

I digress.  Anyway, I get out and run around to ask her what is wrong (I’m thinking possum, skunk or wayward cat, but once I found a dead green parrot.  Oh yeah, and the pigeons.  My chicken-loving neighbor also has pigeons.  I’ll bet the non-BF won’t be driving the new car and parking it in front of my house.  I get a LOT of bird shit.)  According to Neighbor, two kittens ran into my backyard.

Jesus H. Christ, just what I fucking need!  After the hour of pleasantry with my mom and dad (unloading a mattress and box springs with them is no fun, but hey, I gave my dad a six pack and thanked him, even though I got yelled at more than I did my entire eighth grade year), I found the cute little bastard hiding behind a bucket of shit my dad really needs to get out of my goddamned backyard.  Neighbor helped me take him to the local shelter, where I was assured one staff member would find it a home.

While we were trying to figure out what to do with the kitty, however, Rainbow and Blindie were going bat-shit crazy trying to get at the cat.  Rainbow tried to put its head in his mouth, which worries me because next week, I get the foster.  [By the way, a friend suggested I call her Foster.  I’m leaning more towards Hey Baby Girl.]  Cute Little Bastard Kitty was clawing my arms and Rainbow was clawing my legs.  I ended up looking like a meth head who needed a fix.

Now that all of that drama is over with, I’m back at home and crazy-as-fuck Rainbow won’t stop looking for that kitten.  He ran around sniffing everything, went outside where the kitty was hiding and basically acted like a total idiot until I finally used the Momma Voice to shame him back into the house.  He is sleeping next to me right now and all is peaceful.  I really should buy that damned dog a treadmill with a fake cat on the end of it so he can wear himself out. My life would be so much easier.

Is 2:30 in the afternoon too early to start drinking?

P.S. Thanks for the Costco chicken, Mom and Dad.  And the limes.

That’s a LOT of fucking gin & tonics!

6 responses

  1. Well you had an eventful day. Just so you know I’m joining your ranks. I started Chantix today to quit smoking.. See what you did? Started a revolution.

  2. Way to go, sistah! Isn’t a tiara a requirement for a revolutionary leader?

  3. Isn’t a tiara always a requirement?

    All I could think in this post was “good lord, at least her neighbors don’t have Guinea Hens” because seriously, have you ever heard those fuckers? They eat ticks and stuff, so they’re cool and all, but my GOD their screeching is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Insta-cringe-worthy.

  4. No, I haven’t. But hey, thanks for a new animal to obsess over, along with goats, hedgehogs and fucking stray kittens. 🙂

  5. Oh my GOD, they are fucking weird looking but cute as shit! I want one!

  6. this article has changed my life, when i read it and followed it, i was also happy. lista de email lista de email lista de email lista de email lista de email

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