Totally Random Tuesday, One Day Early

Tied up in an all-day meeting tomorrow (ha! I accidentally typed “ass-day“), and then dinner, so you’re getting this shit early:

  • During Forced Fitness today, I saw an elderly woman walk in the gym wearing an AC/DC shirt.  Too bad I was too far away or I would have taken a photo and used that as my avatar.
  • While on our morning phone call, the non-BF was telling me about his success with his Austerity Campaign (NO, I haven’t officially started mine yet, and don’t ask why because I don’t want to have to slap you).  That bastard has lost 11 pounds in 8 days.  I responded by telling him about the dream I had about him last night.  Me:  “You were totally living downtown in some loft or something and I found out you went downstairs to eat KFC with your hot twenty-something neighbors.  And took Mr. Tail.  So basically, you triple betrayed me, jackass.”  Him:  “I’m the only person I know who gets bitched out for what I do in someone else’s dreams.”
  • After that, I described in full detail the cheesey eggs I’d be eating for breakfast.  Take that, ha!
  • Don’t think I’ll be getting that MacBook Pro anytime soon.
  • I think I am going through another phase where sugar free Red Bull makes me sick.  That happened for about two months earlier this year.  Or else God is paying me back for taunting the non-BF with what I ate for breakfast.  Projectile vomiting twice in one day is no fun.
  • Unfortunately, I think I also threw up my Crazy Pill.
  • The toilet in my bathroom was acting all crazy and shit, so I shut the water off until my dad could take a look at it.  Today, I got home and all the stuff I had on the toilet tank top was on my bed.  Called my mom and asked if he had fixed the damned thing.  She said yes.  Me:  “Well, he forgot to put everything back.”  No Daughter of the Year award for me in 2012.
  • I did call him afterward to thank him.  Dad:  “I forgot to put the stuff back.”  Me:  “Don’t worry about it.”  My mom totally does NOT get my sense of humor.
  • He also bitched at me for “putting that blue shit in the toilet.” I really like the blue shit, Dad.  It reminds me of the ocean.
  • I’m still waiting for a bar to name a drink after me.  “The Tonic Boom” is a good name.
  • Dallas pretty much sucks.  Not because of the pretentiousness that is rampant here (I kinda like thatlots of shit to make fun of!).  No, it sucks because of the horrible quality of the air.  My sinuses are all screwed up, and everyone I know says the same thing.  A twenty minute nosebleed every morning is not the right way to start your day.
  • You know it’s fucking hot as hell when the Min Pin Who Can See won’t chase the birds standing in the backyard.  They all had their mouths open and looked so thirsty.  Yet every time I try to hose them down, they all fly away.  Ungrateful motherfuckers.
  • I really don’t spray them with water.  I turn on the hose and hope they come by for a drink.  I’m a huge animal rights/welfare person.  Only reason why I’m NOT the Crazy Dog Lady is that my family has me on watch.
  • I’m sad because my laptop is dead.  The non-BF:  “Did you back it up?”  Well, hell no, that’s a stupid question!  Me:  “You still have the last back-up, right?”  I did send the important shit to myself via email.  But I forgot to put my “Shopping” spreadsheet in with the rest.  Now I’m going to have to make another one.  Damn.  Good thing I still have the folder with:

It just keeps getting thicker!

  • If the non-BF ever called me by my birth name, I’d be nervous as shit.  I think I’ve had one or another nickname from him for 12 years now.  If he uses my real name, I know I’ve fucked up and better start working on damage control, and FAST.
  • I’m on a mission now to retrieve my old non-girlfriend archives from the Other Dead PC.  If so, I will repost some of my favorites.
  • Typically, if I paint my own nails, it looks like a drunk three year-old got some Essie and went to town.  I’m sticking to a “nude” color for my fingernails and hoping like hell for the best tomorrow!
  • That’s about two day’s worth there.  I’m off to “relax” with some wine and force the Min Pins to watch cooking shows.
  • UPDATED:  For the love of the sweet baby Jesus and all that is holy, another fucking kitten showed up.  The one I couldn’t find on Saturday. Meowing like really loud outside my front door.  I had to look out the front blinds in case it was one of those urban myth things where a gangster was waiting to kill my ass or worse, take me off into sex slave trade when I opened the door.  Little shit ran off and hid under my porch.  So yeah, I have two Dixie bowls on my sidewalk with water and food.  Nice way to attract bugs.  Ugh! No longer the Crazy Dog Lady…I have a new title.  Crazy Stray Animal Bitch.  God help me.

6 responses

  1. It’s totally not just him. I’ve woken up crying from bad cheating dreams where I didn’t talk to Husband all day. He thinks he’s the only guy that happens to…

    And…Obviously good grammar isn’t my gig today. Ah, well.

  2. So I am not the only one? And yeah, well FUCK good grammar. Sometimes a bitch just needs to SAY IT without remorse over syntax and shit. Do you ever spell check your texts? I’m so bad about that.

  3. I do that too. BTW, Is your city going to spray? Cats are very sensitive to the spray poisons.

  4. Also, austerity is being chased away from my house by rampant consumerism. A demon of temptation delivered the fall Michael Kors catalog to my house yesterday, and can I just say platinum snakeskin iPhone case? YES I DID.

  5. <<<< Envious! Damn, girrrl. And Austerity = spending? Nope. I am using the term re: my diet. Going to buy a purple jet set tote thingie this weekend. Figure I am helping the economy.

  6. Better to be known as the crazy stray animal bitch than a heartless bitch! Good for you. As for the non-bf losing weight faster… I hate to tell you this but my job is weight lose or gain and healthy eating habits. Having said that did you know that men lose pounds first then lose inches whereas women lose inches first then the pounds go. Don’t give up. You got this..

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