Totally Random Tuesday, One Day Early (Well, Not NOW Since I Fucking Fell Asleep)

I am going to have to just suck it up and make this Totally Random Monday from now on, I suppose.  No excuse this time. Sorry, y’all!

UPDATED: Okay, I fell asleep in the middle of writing this.  Guess it’s Tuesday after all. No mea culpa necessary.

  • I often buy cosmetics simply for the packaging or name of the color.  [OPI’s “I’m Not Really A Waitress” is one of my personal favorites.] Then I give them away when I don’t like them.  My friends just LOVE me!  Need a new mascara?  Let’s go to non’s house.  That bitch has a bag full of them!
  • While I was digging through The Black Hole (aka my gargantuan purse), I found a walnut.  What the fuck?  I also found a catnip toy (I don’t have a cat), five buttons, someone’s phone number on a slip of paper with “Call me!” and three hearts next to it in very obvious girly handwriting (???), Mr. Swirly’s collar, a golf tee, some potato chips and a dollar bill with “Who loves ya, baby?” Sharpie’d across the bottom of it.  I am not a packrat in any part of my life except for my purse.
  • Just looked at the “walnut” again and damn if it isn’t a rock shaped like a walnut.  Or else a petrified walnut.  Why the hell do I have a rock in my purse?  What am I, three years old?
  • Ain’t no way in hell any squirrel will crack through that shit!
  • I had a Me Weekend this past weekend (meaning the non-BF and I couldn’t be bothered enough to figure out a way to see each other, except for Friday night).  Since I hadn’t washed my hair on Sunday, I decided to poof it up in the back using my hand and the leftover hair products from Saturday.  Ended up looking like I had three Bumpits in my hair.
  • I totally took a bath, y’all, I just didn’t bother submerging.
  • When we go on road trips, I make the non-BF suffer through two or three CDs of the worst possible music mixes in the entire world.  Finally, he says, “Enough!” and takes over.  Even so, he always laughs at the hand motions I have for “Tarzan Boy.”
  • I love that song.  And I’m not afraid to admit it.
  • I can talk other people into and myself out of almost anything.  Years ago, a then-boyfriend told me I had missed my calling and should have been a lawyer.  I responded by telling him I still wanted to have a soul.
  • Blindie never really feels the insulin injection I give her, but because I usually say, “Quick stick!” she always carries on like I cut off her paw or something.  The apples don’t fall far from the tree in this house.  We are ALL a bunch of Drama Queens here.  Especially Rainbow.
  • Inspired by the aforementioned Bumpit bullet point, I have been poofing up the hair on the back of my head for the past half hour.  I got it so high, if I colored it with blue Kool-Aid, I swear I’d look just like Marge Simpson.  Only without the cartoon character face.  And the two chain-smoking sisters.
  • Bunny asked me today when my Austerity Campaign was ever going to get underway.  God bless her, she actually believes that shit!
  • Tomorrow, Bunny.  Tomorrow is a good day.  Nothing started on a Tuesday ever turned out badly.  Okay, I’m laughing out loud right now.
  • Drove past the new outlet mall today.  Took a left turn and went in for a spin.  I consider it a major success that I left without even parking.  Progress, bitches.  PROGRESS.
  • While I appreciate good food, I totally look at eating from an utilitarian perspective.  Being hypoglycemic, it’s a necessity.  If I don’t want to pass out or drive into a strip mall, that is.
  • I’d like to thank my mom for squeezing me out of her uterus many moons ago.  So I’m told, I was a “darling” child until I hit 15, and then I got mouthy and got an opinion.  Thank God for all concerned that only lasted a couple of years.  The mouthy part, not the opinion.  Truth be told, I had an opinion since the day I could talk.
  • I am worse than a pregnant woman when it comes to cravings.  I drove 15 miles one way to get a chicken salad sandwich for lunch on Monday.
  • Nothing is more beautiful to me than my dogs while they are sleeping.  Blindie just curls up into a ball and doesn’t make a sound.  Rainbow dreams out loud (like his momma) and often kicks one or both of his legs (again, like his momma).  I wouldn’t know about Mr. Tail, since the non-BF has been hoarding him for the past three weeks.  I miss him.
  • Every now and then, life comes along and kicks you in the ass.  Pay attention to that shit.  It’s the universe telling you what to do next.

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