How To Spoil Your Inner Child

  • Buy your inner child lots of presents.  Your inner child just loves presents.
  • Always give in to your inner child, especially when she throws herself on the floor, kicking and screaming.  Your inner child will thank you later.  Maybe.
  • Remind your inner child often, like every hour, how beautiful she is.  Even if your inner child is having a Bad Hair Day.
  • If your inner child comes in at second place in the school poetry writing contest, tell your inner child that she really deserved first place.  They just gave it to that other girl because she’s ugly and her mom shows up in dirty sweatpants all the time when she comes to pick her up from school.
  • When you are playing Monopoly with your inner child, ignore the extra $100 bill she took when she passed “Go.”  Let your inner child get all the good real estate, even if you land on it first.  And let your inner child win, every single time.  She may very well become a real estate magnate someday, and let you live on Park Place.  Or at least let you live on Baltic Avenue at a reduced rent.
  • If there is only one cookie left in the box, let your inner child take it.  As your inner child says, “You didn’t need a cookie anyway, fat-ass.”
  • When you are at a party and your inner child gets all silly and stumbly and knocks over the punch bowl because she had a few too many fizzy gin drinks, explain to the hostess and other party guests that your inner child had a bad day and she really just needed to cut loose.  Trust me, we all know how hard your inner child works you works.
  • Answer your inner child with “Yes, you are the smartest and the prettiest girl on the block.”  If that doesn’t work, say the entire world,  In fact, you might as well say that to begin with because that is what your inner child thinks anyway, and it will save you time and energy in the long run.
  • If your inner child tells you “NO!” or “Fuck you!”, don’t spank or chastise her.  She is merely expressing herself and is well on her way to growing up and becoming the mouthy bitch everyone else will hate but will be too afraid to say it to her face.

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