Things I Could Go My Entire Life Without Ever Seeing Or Hearing Again

  • The Mattress Firm’s commercial in which White Delivery Guy tells Frantic Housewife:  After eight years, your mattress practically doubles in weight from dead skin, sweat, dust mites…  Frantic Housewife:  Dust mites??!!  Black Delivery Guy:  Millions of ’em, maybe more! [P.S. I am freaked out about the dead skin and sweat, but they have to go and add dust mites to the mix??]
  • Madonna’s ropy arms.
  • Madonna’s fake British accent.
  • Why don’t I go ahead and just say, Madonna, period.
  • Michael Vick  He needs to just go away.
  • Fist bumping
  • Kourtney Kardashian.  Both seeing and hearing.  That nasaly voice and those eye-rolls?  No wonder Scott drinks so much!
  • This commercial.  I have to turn the channel every time or I ended up a snotty, bawling mess.
  • Sagging pants.  Why this trend still remains alive baffles me.  Why it ever started in the first place baffles me even more.
  • The word “irregardless”
  • The non-word “fixin'” – as in “I’m fixin’ to go to Wal-Mart, you wanna go with?”  I’m FIXIN’ to shove my fist down your throat if you use that word again.  And NO.  I do not want to go with you to Wal-Mart.  My NASCAR pajama bottoms and lime green tube top ain’t clean today.
  • “Go with.”  I always thought that was so stupid to say. And I’ve even said it myself, once, until I realized how fucking ridiculous it sounded coming out of my mouth.
  • A pee puddle.  “Not on my wood floors, bad dogs!”  Not in this lifetime, though.  I’m destined to mop up so often my fingers will want to fall off.
  • Any “Re” commercial.  Rephresh, Replense, Re-what-the-fuck-ever!  I don’t talk about my nether region that often, let alone think about them that much – so please tell me WHY you have to mention them all the fucking time?
  • People who tell me they won’t get their pets spayed/neutered because “It will change them,” or “They won’t be happy without balls anymore.”  Shut the fuck UP, dumb asshole.  They don’t CARE.  P.S. I have some photos of all the dogs and cats that are euthanized each year because of irresponsible owners like your own damned self.  If you’d like, I can send copies to your home or office.  You’re welcome.
  • “Ma’am.”  The next time someone calls me that, I am going to leap crawl over the counter and beat them senseless with my walking cane!
  • Hateful salespeople.  Case in point:  I went to return a dress the other day that I ordered online for work.  Beautiful fit on every single part of me except my back.  I have tiny shoulders, so a lot of clothes bunch up on my upper back.  I limp into the store (not for effect, I really do have a problem with my right foot) and wait patiently while some totally high maintenance (well, higher maintenance than me) bitch in front of me goes on and on about boot socks with the salesgirl.  Another salesgirl walks up to the counter to “help” me.  Her, not really looking at me:  How can I help you?  Me:  I’d like to return this dress.  C-U-Next-Tuesday Salesgirl:  Was there something wrong with it? (in an accusing tone, fucking bitch! yeah, she said it the way you imagined just now)  Me:  It fit all right, it just bunched up behind my shoulders and looked weird.  C-U-Next-Tuesday Salesgirl:  I need your Visa! (she snapped that shit at me, too!)  Me:  Um, okay [and then I hand it over].  C-Word Salesgirl: [Hands me my receipt, looking at me contemptously, nothing uttered from her mouth.]  Me:  Thank You.  The C Word Salesbirl:  Yeah, what.ever.  Oh My GOD, I am totally writing the company and plugging this shit on Facebook!  Bitch, if you don’t want to deal with RETURNS and the PUBLIC, get out of a customer service job.  I’m quite certain there are many out there who will gladly take your fucking job.  P.S.  Your hair looked like Rainbow just pissed on it.  Get a different stylist, and SOON.
  • P.P.S.  Your outfit totally sucked.  Not a good representative for your brand.
  • I’m not really that vindictive.  I just let it all loose in here so I can be normal and not so stabby in the Real World!

2 responses

  1. Oh I totally tell companies when I have that rude of an experience…they deserve to know they’ve hired assholes before they go out of business by driving people away. 🙂

    Hubby is out of the ICU and (cranky) settled into his hospital room for a few weeks. Thank goodness he has LOTS of people who are just waiting to (gawk) visit. Company will be good. Thanks for checking in! 🙂

  2. Absolutely!!! I’d rat that bitch out in a heartbeat!!!

    And yeah I’m over Madonna. Have been for years.


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