Putting Not One But BOTH Feet In Your Mouth and It REALLY Helps To Read The Instructions, Bitch!

  • Sorry I didn’t do “Favorite Fridays” today but I’ve been out of town on business all week and I haven’t had a chance to shave my legs, let alone read the other blogs.  Sigh.
  • My mom told me something about someone she knew having a hard time at home, and how they had gained some weight.  She thought it was Stress Eating. I tell my mom:  Self-medication.  We all do it, whether it’s by eating, drinking, drugging or shopping.  My mom:  Yes, we all do.  Me:  I’m taking my daily dosage right now!   My mom:  I thought you said you had stopped drinking??  Me:  No, I said I would stop wasting money on booze.  I stole this bottle.
  • Shhh!  I really didn’t, but it did make her laugh, and she looked like she needed it this evening.
  • The other day, I made an offhand remark to someone I really like without thinking (I do that about once a year) and I hurt her feelers.  An email came to me several hours later (What took you so long, bitch??) and she called my ass on the aforementioned horrible behavior speech via email.  I cry if I know I’ve really hurt someone’s feelings, so I call her all bawly and shit and she’s like, “I’m okay, we’re good.”  Then I tell her not to wait so long to straighten my shit out the next time (hope there isn’t a”next time!”) and I go back and re-read her email after the phone call.  “Put yourself in MY shoes,” she wrote, “even if they aren’t Coach.”  Had to laugh my ass off on that one AND write her back:  “Coach” comment was pretty snarky and bitchy…well done, YOU!  I’m only sad I didn’t come up with it myself!
  • While I was on the business trip, I ate the same damned meal three nights in a row.  I’m like a dog – find a good path in the backyard, I’ll keep taking it.  Dayumn! but those crab cakes were GOOD.
  • I finally bought a Clarisonic for my face/body.  The girl at the Clinique counter talked me into it with a free carrying case and well, hell! just because it was TIME.  She was doing a hard sell on the one-speed and I thought, what the fuck? a two-speed is just $30 more, so I caved.  I tried to show it to my mom tonight when she stopped by to see the Wormy Kitty, and I was all, “It’s brokenMine’s broken.  What the hell? I have to take it back!!”  My ever-so-calm mother asked for the instructions and pointed out that it has to charge for at least 24 hours before the first use.  “It’s in bold, black letters.”  Thanks a LOT, mom, for not only making me feel stupid but for also having skin that doesn’t need a Clarisonic.  I swear, I was CHEATED when God gave me my skin.  My mom could pass for about 20 years younger than she really is!
  • Texas is not a place to go camping.  With all these fucking mosquitos, all you have to do is roll over on a tick in your sleeping bag and you have West Nile Virus with a twist of Lyme Disease.
  • Bought a muzzle for Rainbow for when he is going to be out with Wormy Kitty, because he really seems to want to GNAW on her.  I put a pink camo bandanna on him and he seems to have calmed down somewhat.
  • So the Probably Broken Toe, which seems to be now something much more serious, has caused me to limp so much that I pulled a muscle in the other fucking foot.  I will most likely need a cane (which will complete my Becoming A Crotchety Old Woman) if this keeps up!
  • I asked my mom tonight if she thought it was MS.  I don’t even know what MS is, but it sounds bad.  She just shook her head and told me to stay off the internet for a while.
  • While the non-BF and I had Wormy Kitty out last night (P.S. she is no longer wormy but I can’t shake that name, it’s too awesome!), we noticed that Rainbow sat at the foot of the bed while Blindie and Mr. Tail played with Wormy Kitty.  The non-BF:  Look!  Rainbow is now The Incredible Sulk!
  • Out of all of the kittens in the WORLD that I could rescue, I rescue the Crazy Insane Serial Killer Kitty.  That motherfucker (now worm-free!) is plotting to smother me in my sleep and eat my hair.  The raucus in the other room, well, I just don’t think she is ready for Prime Time yet.
  • Whoa!  All the animals are quiet now.  I’m afraid.  Very afraid.

3 responses

  1. Silent pets are like silent toddlers…they’re ALWAYS up to no good. I found a triscut box ripped to shreds at the top of the steps yesterday…apparently the crackers weren’t enough fiber, they needed the damn box too. Ha!

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