Category Archives: Thank Fuck It’s Friday

Putting Not One But BOTH Feet In Your Mouth and It REALLY Helps To Read The Instructions, Bitch!

  • Sorry I didn’t do “Favorite Fridays” today but I’ve been out of town on business all week and I haven’t had a chance to shave my legs, let alone read the other blogs.  Sigh.
  • My mom told me something about someone she knew having a hard time at home, and how they had gained some weight.  She thought it was Stress Eating. I tell my mom:  Self-medication.  We all do it, whether it’s by eating, drinking, drugging or shopping.  My mom:  Yes, we all do.  Me:  I’m taking my daily dosage right now!   My mom:  I thought you said you had stopped drinking??  Me:  No, I said I would stop wasting money on booze.  I stole this bottle.
  • Shhh!  I really didn’t, but it did make her laugh, and she looked like she needed it this evening.
  • The other day, I made an offhand remark to someone I really like without thinking (I do that about once a year) and I hurt her feelers.  An email came to me several hours later (What took you so long, bitch??) and she called my ass on the aforementioned horrible behavior speech via email.  I cry if I know I’ve really hurt someone’s feelings, so I call her all bawly and shit and she’s like, “I’m okay, we’re good.”  Then I tell her not to wait so long to straighten my shit out the next time (hope there isn’t a”next time!”) and I go back and re-read her email after the phone call.  “Put yourself in MY shoes,” she wrote, “even if they aren’t Coach.”  Had to laugh my ass off on that one AND write her back:  “Coach” comment was pretty snarky and bitchy…well done, YOU!  I’m only sad I didn’t come up with it myself!
  • While I was on the business trip, I ate the same damned meal three nights in a row.  I’m like a dog – find a good path in the backyard, I’ll keep taking it.  Dayumn! but those crab cakes were GOOD.
  • I finally bought a Clarisonic for my face/body.  The girl at the Clinique counter talked me into it with a free carrying case and well, hell! just because it was TIME.  She was doing a hard sell on the one-speed and I thought, what the fuck? a two-speed is just $30 more, so I caved.  I tried to show it to my mom tonight when she stopped by to see the Wormy Kitty, and I was all, “It’s brokenMine’s broken.  What the hell? I have to take it back!!”  My ever-so-calm mother asked for the instructions and pointed out that it has to charge for at least 24 hours before the first use.  “It’s in bold, black letters.”  Thanks a LOT, mom, for not only making me feel stupid but for also having skin that doesn’t need a Clarisonic.  I swear, I was CHEATED when God gave me my skin.  My mom could pass for about 20 years younger than she really is!
  • Texas is not a place to go camping.  With all these fucking mosquitos, all you have to do is roll over on a tick in your sleeping bag and you have West Nile Virus with a twist of Lyme Disease.
  • Bought a muzzle for Rainbow for when he is going to be out with Wormy Kitty, because he really seems to want to GNAW on her.  I put a pink camo bandanna on him and he seems to have calmed down somewhat.
  • So the Probably Broken Toe, which seems to be now something much more serious, has caused me to limp so much that I pulled a muscle in the other fucking foot.  I will most likely need a cane (which will complete my Becoming A Crotchety Old Woman) if this keeps up!
  • I asked my mom tonight if she thought it was MS.  I don’t even know what MS is, but it sounds bad.  She just shook her head and told me to stay off the internet for a while.
  • While the non-BF and I had Wormy Kitty out last night (P.S. she is no longer wormy but I can’t shake that name, it’s too awesome!), we noticed that Rainbow sat at the foot of the bed while Blindie and Mr. Tail played with Wormy Kitty.  The non-BF:  Look!  Rainbow is now The Incredible Sulk!
  • Out of all of the kittens in the WORLD that I could rescue, I rescue the Crazy Insane Serial Killer Kitty.  That motherfucker (now worm-free!) is plotting to smother me in my sleep and eat my hair.  The raucus in the other room, well, I just don’t think she is ready for Prime Time yet.
  • Whoa!  All the animals are quiet now.  I’m afraid.  Very afraid.

Favorite Fridays

Not to be confused with #FF, even though I love it when I get a shout outThanky Snarky XO

Each Friday (well, each Friday I can remember to do so), I am going to link to a few blog posts I really love.  They may be new or from the archives.  But these are the ones that either really got to me (in a good, visceral way), made me laugh so hard I snorted gin up my nose or made me stop and think.

For my First Favorite Friday, I give you:

The Bloggess’ “Traveling Red Dress Revisited”

Not only is she honest, beautiful, real and not afraid to be who she is, she’s the one I have to blame for the serious sinus cavity damage from all the alcoholic beverages that have shot threw my nose while reading her blog.  Jenny’s blog inspired me to resurrect non-girlfriend.

Oh Noa’s “I Prefer The Name Quasimanhole, Beverly”

All of it was awesome, but especially the 1970s People Names For Dogs.  I called Blindie “Beverly” for about a week after reading this post.

The Hartley Hooligans’ “My Asian Angel”

Totally cried over this one…who wouldn’t?  (Those of you with no soul who probably also don’t like dogs and don’t give homeless people beer money, that’s who!)  She is inspirational!

Smell My Paw’s “Kitty DrunkDrunk Has No Respect For Your Personal Area. None!”

Kitty DrunkDrunk is my feline alter ego.

Cerebral Milkshake’s “Why I Suck As A Woman, Part One”

I will never, ever look at a pedicure the same way again.

Thoughts From Paris’ “Everyone Poops (Their Pants At Age 26)”

Need I say more?

HAVE A FABULOUS FUCKING FRIDAY, ALL!

“‘Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy”

  • I usually memorize lyrics, but until the internets, I totally, always got them wrong.
  • My dogs are so sweet…when they’re asleep.
  • Broke down and gave Wormy Kitty another catnip toy because it’s fun to watch that shit.
  • Fucking condenser froze up TWICE already this evening…I’m sweating it out in a house with 74 degree temperature and I’m watching it continue to rise.
  • Yeah, I’m one of those annoying hot-natured bitches that causes everyone else in the office to wear sweaters in the summer.
  • Glad I have home warranty, except it’s the Friday night of a three-day weekend so I may just have to deal until Tuesday.
  • Can you lose weight by sweating?
  • Bought some hair serum today at an outlet mall.  Went home and found out I could get it much cheaper online.  Guess who will be staking out that kiosk tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.?  “All sales final – NO REFUNDS” – whatthehellever!
  • If I don’t get my money back, I’m going to stand there and tell potential customers they can buy the product cheaper at Amazon and show it to them on my phone.  If I can’t have my money back, I’ll make those scamming bastards lose at least three times what they cost me.
  • Okay, yeah, so I was a sucker, but in my defense, my blood sugar was low and I didn’t have my Don’t You DARE Fuck With Me face on yet.  SO unprepared!
  • Hope there isn’t any incident involving security, though.  Personally not a fan of being restrained.
  • Took the Office Mate to lunch today at some place I haven’t been to in a while, but the menu looked good.  Fried pickles are always a good thing…until you bite into one and realize it’s a SWEET pickle.  Who the fuck does that shit??
  • Trio of fries were good – one was a purple Peruvian potato, which sounded (and looked) cool, and they covered it in cayenne pepper.  I’m a Spicy Girl, can’t get it hot enough for me, but those fries just really didn’t do it.  I liked the homemade mayo, though.
  • HUGE pet peeve of mine:  Someone sends an email to a lot of people who don’t know each other and doesn’t BCC the email list.  Bitch, if I wanted 149 strangers to have my email address, I’d take out an ad on Craig’s List.
  • I’ve never been one of those Bosses Who Yell.  Never understood that approach to management.  I’m more like one of those Bosses Who Laugh.  And Talk To Themselves.
  • In the name of the baby Jesus and all that is holy, what the HELL do my dogs do all day long that causes them to pass out on my sofas every night?
  • SO sorry, but this is too funny!
  • Every time I hear Wormy Kitty jumping around and I go to look after her, she freezes, shoots me the Evil Eye and hides behind her litter box.  I swear she is plotting to smother me with her kneading little paws when she finally gets released from her Ringworm Quarantine Hell Cell.
  • On the phone with the non-BF just now.  Me:  This kitten is so cute.  I am poking her belly.  Gotta go hose off with some Lysol, though.  Him:  Back to your dating days, I see.
  • Yeah, no motherfucking Christmas gift for you this year, asshat.
  • P.S. I totally love him.  I just play his Bitchy Non-Girlfriend on TV.
  • Just took a peek at my calendar tomorrow.  Shit, can’t make the Outlet Mall Stalking.  Gonna have to chalk that up to “I Probably Shouldn’t Be Let Outside Without A Chaperone.”
  • Oh HELL, the kitten is awake and playing with catnip again.  I give up and I am going to bed!

“We accept you, one of us!”

“Gobble! Gobble!”  Only Bunny will get this shit. No way I’ll be a peacock!

*****

Had a really cool temp working for me this week while the Office Mate was on vacation.  By the second day, I realized we are a LOT alike.  We’ve had some good conversations in between all the work we’ve been doing.  Today, during a break, she and I were talking about shopping.  She asked what I liked to shop for.

Me:  Clothes, jewelry, shoes, scarves, accessories, makeup and skincare. Um, and books that I will never read.  Oh yeah, and I love to window shop rescue sites for tiny dogs.

Cool Temp:  Oh, that sounds fun!  You sound like me.  My big thing is shoes, though.

Me: Some of the shit I bought still has their prices tags on them.  It’s shameful.

Cool Temp:  I love shoes.  There was an intervention before we moved into the house we own now.  I gave away probably 30 pairs of shoes that I never even wore.  I still had the receipts in the boxes.

Me:  Why didn’t I know you then?

Me: I’m on my third closet in my house.  Well, they are smallish but still.  Makes it difficult to pick my outfits in the morning.

Cool Temp:  I’m on my fourth.  My husband made me go through those shoes and get rid of them.

Me:  So sad for you!  Hey, do you ever just go into your closet and STARE AT STUFF?  I love looking at my purchases.  It’s pretty twisted.

I’m a suck fuck, I know.  Now that I am on Forced Financial Austerity Campaign (well, I am if I want to save money to buy my Mini next year), it’s a damned shame.  I’d totally want to go shopping with her!  Where was she a couple years ago, damn it?!

*****

Speaking of the Forced Financial Austerity Campaign (or “I’m Fucked” for short), that really starts tomorrow.  (Mom, if you are reading this, NO, I did NOT go shopping, except for maybe an adult beverage.)  After the hectic week I’ve had (possible aerial poisoning, exposure to ringworm, nasty fucking spider bite right above my left boob where everyone can see it (the bite, not the boob), realization that I cannot keep up compulsive shopping if I want to get my new car, and being pretty much getting slammed at work), I need a drink.  Fuck the diet tonight.  Must be in the air because the non-BF said the exact same thing!

*****

The Cool Temp also asked me what my sign was.  No, not in a creepy-old-guy-wearing-an-open-shirt-and-gold-chain-throwback-to-the-70s-hipster-doofus kind of way.  I think she was trying to peg what my multiple-personality personality was.  Good luck with that, hon.

Me:  I’m a Pisces Queen.  I have just about every quality that is Piscean.  (Fuck, is “Piscean” even a real word?)  Except for the introverted part.  I’ll talk to anyone.  Wasn’t like that when I was younger, though. [Very obvious that I didn’t do my homework!]

Cool Temp:  Makes sense.  Pisces and Aquarius get along really well.

Found out she was born on the same day as one of my best friends was (Valentines babies!) and they both have the same first name.  If the non-BF ever read this blog and stumbled across this post, he’d ask, “What, are we girlfriends now?”  [I love Kevin Spacey and Denis Leary, and that still is one of my all-time favorite movies!]

****

On the subject of movies, another favorite is “Home For The Holidays.” I LOVE fucked-up, dysfunctional family movies, and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  Plus I really like Holly Hunter and that crazy Robert Downey, Jr.  “Go back to your own goddamned holidays!” Man, that is my childhood.

*****

I just looked up Pisces characteristics and I am nothing like them at ALL.  I still swear I was switched at birth and now I think my mom changed the date on my birth certificate.  My mom still insists, “No, you are mine,” and always with an air of resignation.

*****

Okay, well some of it fits.  But this???

“Pisces needs a dominant partner of role model in their life or they will very easily fall into a pit of self-pity and self-undoing. When they are independent and inspired by life’s events, their creativity comes shining through but they are unable to be on their own for long before they start dreaming in their imaginary world of happy people and happy endings. They need other people to keep them grounded and on the right track.”  From HERE

WTFEver.  I’m probably one of the most independent bitches you will ever meet.  That quality in and of itself ended a LOT of relationships over the years.  And the “Pisces and Business” shit?  No way.  This, however, is spot on:

“Pisces is the sign of mysticism, mystery and the spiritual unknown. Pisces live in two worlds, the real world and the spiritual or mystical world where they interpret what they see into what they want [I live in about four or five worlds, by the way]. They do this to avoid all the realities of pain and suffering in the world. They have extremes of emotions and feel both good and bad intensively. Pisces have formidable intuitive ability.”

Except that I avoid the realities of pain and suffering by being a smartass, having cocktails and going shopping.  Oh shit“I’m Fucked.”

*****

Until my late twenties, I was pretty shy and not at all comfortable talking to strangers or doing things on my own.  A then-friend forced me out of this shell and she unleashed a lion.  Now, I’ll pretty much talk to anybody and everybody, even if they don’t want me to.

[Try traveling about 25-40% of each month – that will get you over the old “I don’t wanna eat by myself” fucking self-pitying whining!]

So yeah, I visit one of my local favorite restaurants for lunch today.  I’m always happy when they seat me next to a large party because I’m nosy as hell and love to eavesdrop.  This restaurant buys one of those monthly song system things and they change up the CDs accordingly.  I’m trying to stop inhaling my food (since I almost ALWAYS wait too late to eat and my blood sugar forces me to eat like a starved person who is served a filet mignon), and I take a break from inhaling my salad to listen to the music on the CD that is being blasted into the restaurant like I am in a concert.

Had to text Bunny…

“Imaginary Liver”? Hell YEAH, I have one of those!

Apparently, I have a priblem with the Os in my keybiard.

*****

I totally have a mosquito bite on my ass cheek.  While I am waiting to succumb to this illness, I am TOTALLY ordering in some bon bons and watching Law & Order reruns while waiting to die.  Not really, you serious fucks.  I’m actually waiting to see if the fucking spider bite I have is lethal.

*****

I am so glad and so VERY blessed that my mom really overlooks all that is wrong with me and loves and accepts my “weirdness.”  P.S. She actually embraces that SHIT!

$@#@&^%(*@!, or Why The Non-BF Needs To Buy Me A Macbook Pro

My fucking laptop died today. Both keyboards (on the laptop and wireless) suddenly started typing zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz without me touching them then randomly shut down. Now I cannot use either keyboard. I think I may have a virus. Well, not ME specifically, but the stupid fucking laptop in my study. Thank you baby Jesus for the non-BF leaving his in my den. You all would have missed me terribly had I dropped out of sight until we can figure out what the hell is wrong with mine, or until I convinced him to buy me a Mac.

The non-BF and I went to look at new cars today (for him, not for me, unfortunately). Now he thinks he will wait awhile on the purchase. I’m all, “Oh, come on, just get it” since it’s not my money we are talking about. Right? P.S. Don’t ever take me shopping if you want someone to convince you NOT to buy something. We left two hours later without a car so he was buying me lunch, damn it. By the way, the salesguy directed all questions about the car to ME, not the non-BF. He said 80% of car purchases end up being the woman’s decision.

At lunch, I decided to see how successful my pouting would be and while I got a “You ARE cute,” I didn’t get a new laptop. The non-BF tells me I am too impatient and that it is probably fixable. He’s right. Seriously, it was only a science experiment anyway. The results: I really need to work on my pouting.

So I drive back home only to arrive to greet two freaked out dogs. A friend is giving me their slightly used and very firm mattress, so I moved my old mattress into the dogs’ bedroom. [Yes, my dogs have their own bedroom. I also heat up rotisserie chicken to put on top of their fucking $10-a-tiny-bag all-natural dog food.] Apparently, they don’t particularly care for their change in bedding, even though that is the same fucking bed they sleep on every night. Brats.

I really hate using his laptop keyboard, but I am afraid if I connect my wireless keyboard to his computer, the demon seed that inhabited my laptop’s body will possess his laptop as well. Then I really WILL be fucked. I think this post is taking a long time to type? Try doing it on an iPad.

While I should be happy it’s finally fucking Friday, I’m a little too depressed to get excited. I’m just bitter at the moment. It will pass. I never realized how much I’d mourn my stupid computer.

Oh yeah, spam comment today:

Hi, you used to write exceptional articles, but the last several posts have been kinda lackluster� I miss your super writing. Past couple of posts are just slightly out of track! 48059

Dear Spam Commenter, How is this for more “on track” writing: Fuck off. You picked the wrong day, dude. Love and hugs, the non-girlfriend

[I hope I didn’t fuck up by clicking on the bot’s poorly written post. It looked legit.]

UPDATED:  Oh my God, I am a fucking IDIOTIt was the keyboard batteries.  I thought I had changed them two weeks ago but it was the mouse batteries I replaced.  I feel like I did that time I was on the phone trouble-shooting my dial-up (years ago) and they asked if my phone line was plugged in.  It wasn’t, but I lied and said yes because I felt like such a jackass.  Poor tech had to stay on the phone with me for another five minutes before I told him, “It’s WORKING!”  Glad I could share my complete and total stupidity with all of you! Hahahahahahahahaha

P.S. I still want a Mac, though

UPDATED, PART TWO:  Okay, so I fixed the “typing problem.”  Now I get the Blue Screen of Death?  I still think I need a new laptop.

UPDATED, PART THREE, LAST UPDATE – I SWEAR:  Motherfucker is dead.  Back to the non-BF’s laptop.  Ugh.

Definitely A First World Problem

To buy or not to buy…

I spent 90 minutes this morning on my Shopping Spreadsheet.  That’s one and one half hours I could have spent:

  • Working out to try and rid myself of the Booze Belly
  • Meditating
  • Taking the trash out (shit! the garbage truck is here! shit shit shit!) and folding clothes
  • Learning Spanish (¿Dónde está el cuarto de baño, por favor? ¿Podría conseguir alguna ginebra?)
  • Discovering that freetranslation.com thinks “gin” is a city in Switzerland – and that the website is smoking some serious crack
  • Composing a witty retort to the two vitriolic Facebook emails I got yesterday when I stated I wasn’t against gays marrying
  • Deciding I didn’t really give a shit what narrow-minded, judgmental people say (or in this case, write) to me – but then what would I do with the other 89 minutes?
  • Writing a best-selling novel
  • Thanking the baby Jesus that my parents taught me it was okay to think for myself
  • Googling “naked Adam Levine”
  • Pinning recipes I’ll never, ever make
  • Wishing I was taller…and blonder

Anyway, after spending all that time on my shopping spreadsheet, it’s down to this:  The Michael Kors bag and flats, or the 4 pairs of jeans (two are cords, really fun prints), 3 cardigans and the animal print cami.

Soooo…you tell me:  Bag/shoes or clothes?  Clothes or bag/shoes?  All of it?  None of it?  It’s such a dilemma.

Hell, I’ll just buy some booze and then I won’t care one way or another.

I’m A Morning Person

Not really.  I just tell people that to annoy them.  Nobody likes Morning People.  Unless they are one.  And secretly, Morning People suffer from self-loathing that manifests itself in eating disorders, compulsiveness, and shopping addictions.

Wait, I just described myself.  Never mind.  Good morning!

I woke up at about 4 a.m. and turned on the television.  Just like the saying “Nothing good happens after midnight” (I think I was told that as a teen so I’d make curfew, but it stuck), nothing good is on TV after 2 a.m.  Well, not on the regular cable channels.  No Law & Order reruns, Charmed or Smallville.  Or Angel.  Not that I watch any of those.  (Well, maybe the Law & Order. I think Sam Waterston is hot in an older guy, fatherly type way.  But that is a topic for further discussion at another time, preferably when I have an empty stomach and some Xanax.)

Infomercials permeate late night TV.  And most TV viewers at that hour are vulnerable.  (Think insomniatic, unemployed, binge drinker, or just plain bored.)  Thank God I saved myself!  Almost bought the Tracy Anderson Method and a Total Gym.  Now I can use that money for booze and hot pants.

***

I’m a pretty limber person, even with my bad back and all.  Not as limber as I was when I was 20 (who is?), but I routinely sit with my legs all crossed in a yoga pose.  No, I don’t do yoga, that would require effort and commitment on my part, two qualities that I don’t possess at the moment, but I know it is a yoga pose because (a) I used to do yoga (well, I went to two classes, does that count?) and (2) people ask me if I do when they see me sitting like that.

Back in the day, by the way, I could put both of my legs behind my head.  Lots of fun at parties, but embarrassing when you get stuck as you are showing off this talent at say, WORK.  Thank God for understanding bosses.

***

I totally got busted yesterday when I started to tell my parents about the Toilet Paper War that I’m waging against the Nosy Office Manager around the corner from me.  (Yes, my teepee sting was successful, but now the other people in my office think I am insane.)  My mom cut me off with an I Know All About It comment and shook her finger at me to shut up from the front seat of the car Apparently, she doesn’t want my dad finding out about the blog.

I called her last night and told her that I warned her not to read my blog.  She asked me, “So then why did you send me a link to it?”  Only thing I could think of is that I must have been intoxicated at the time, or the bath salts finally kicked in.

So, please, if you comment, say hi to my mom, too.  Because I know damned well she will still keep reading this.