Tag Archives: Totally Random Tuesday

Totally Random Tuesday

  • I wish for a real winter this year so all the mosquitos and other bugs will die.  I hate bugs with a passion.  All these idiots around here who hate cold weather need to shut it this year.  I’m sick of worrying that each time I take the dogs out, a West Nile Virus mosquito will get me.
  • When I kill a bug, I have to use about eight paper towels to pick its dead body up with.  Not one – no, that might mean I’d feel its crunchy, nasty, broken bug body through the paper towel.  I also have to Lysol the floor and surrounding areas (just in case some bug juice got there, too).
  • If I see a bug, I squeal like a little girl.  I know, pathetic.  I’m pretty independent but I’ve been known to call my mommy and daddy to come kill bugs for me.  I tried that with the non-BF once and he just sighed and told me he was going to bed.  My charm works most of the time, but a 30 minute drive to kill a spider?  I don’t think so.  (I will still try anyway…never hurts to ask.)
  • I don’t even know why bugs were ever created.  What fucking purpose do they serve, other than to annoy me and make my skin crawl, and to keep exterminators employed?  Maybe bugs were created on the Seventh Day, when God took a rest.  Some rebel angel thought, “Hey, let’s mess with the humans and give them this shit!”
  • Looked at the bottom of my foot just now and realized I am overdue for a pedicure even though I had one less than two weeks ago.  SO ready for fall to be here where I can switch to boots and flats and not have to worry about my crusty-ass feet!  I still shave my legs every day, even in the winter.  I’m not that gross, thank you very much!
  • No offense to those of you who don’t in the winter.  I just cannot stand to have hairy legs.  I probably could skip a day or two, though.  It takes forever for the hair to grow back on my legs.  Should really look into laser hair removal, I know.
  • Was at a dinner party this past weekend.  When we arrived, I poked the non-BF and pointed at a tall vase sitting on the floor of the host/hostess’ house.  It was about 1/3 full of wine corks.  I told the non-BF, “See?  I’m not the only one who does that!”  (I have several vases in my house with all these different wine corks in them.  They’re pretty – try it.)  The non-BF, to the hostess:  I have a friend who has his guests sign the cork and he dates them.  You know, if it is a special event.  We all agreed it was a clever way to document good drinking entertaining memories.  I thought to myself but thankfully didn’t add to the conversation that mine would all look like:  (2 corks) “9-3-12, non-GF, it was a Monday“, (4 corks) “8-31-12, non-GF, full moon”, or (3 corks) “5-15-12, non-GF, an old woman gave me a dirty look at the grocery store today.”
  • When people see my Lushy Wino Cork Vases for the first time, they always exclaim, “WOW, that’s a lot of wine you’ve had!”  I give them the Stink Eye because it’s not like I collected all of them in one month or anything.  It took me two.
  • Rainbow likes to bite his own toenails.  Yep, pretty disgusting and also quite unusual – I don’t know anyone else who has a dog that does that.  He will sit and snack on them like he is gnawing on a log of wood or something.  I tried painting Rainbow’s toenails once but he only let me get by with doing two of them.  It bugged the shit out of me that he walked around like that for a week.
  • When I go on vacation, I always pack a few workout outfits because yeah, I’m going to be more dedicated to doing that shit when I’m on vacation than I am in real life.  Dumbass.  That’s just more room for shoes!
  • At least I stopped carrying an extra suitcase for shoes.  My Vacation Suitcase (as opposed to my Work Travel Suitcase) can fit a smallish woman in it.  I know because I climbed inside to see if I could when I first got it.  Even so, I still needed an extra suitcase for my shoes.  Or so I thought.  The last vacation, I didn’t do that because I got sick of the non-BF bitching about all my luggage (that he ended up carrying, ha!).  So I thought I’d be nice and scale it down a bit.  He spent 10 minutes at the airport moving shit from my Large Enough To Stow A Dead Body bag into his small bag so I wouldn’t have to pay $100 for an over the weight limit suitcase.  He’s so sweet like that.  Next trip, hon, I promise I’ll be better!
  • When he gets a little too grumpy about it, I remind him he could be traveling with Kate Winslet on the Titanic.  That usually shuts him up.  Only because he typically won’t respond to the more absurd things I say.
  • I’m so OCD that years ago, I used to keep a Clothing Diary so I wouldn’t wear the same outfit in a month.  Once, a guy I was hanging out with found it and wrote the next day’s date in the diary, then penned “Red dress again.”  I was so pissed off at the time.  I thank God and the Clothing Fairy that I grew up because now, I’d snap a photo of that shit and post it on Facebook.  It was funny.  And yes, I was way too uptight back then.
  • I no longer keep a Clothing Diary, by the way.  The Compulsive Shopping Illness I have has kind of taken care of me ever having to worry about that again.
  • No, I don’t have a spreadsheet for my clothes.  But it’s a grand idea, thanks!

Totally Random Tuesday

  • Coming off of over 41 hours awake, 25 spent in the bathroom throwing up.  Happy Labor Day to me – I was laboring over a toilet.
  • Must have been delusional because I swear I saw Pikachu staring at me in the dark in my bedroom, sitting on top of a three foot pile of Skittles.
  • At four a.m., I was trying to watch “Falling Skies” so I could fall asleep but I just didn’t get the show, and the music was spooky, so yeah, probably a poor choice on my part.
  • Last night was the night Wormy Kitty decided to “take the day off” and wasn’t doing loud acrobatics in the middle of the night.  Shit, if I was going to be awake all night, I might as well be entertained, because Noah Wylie sure as hell wasn’t cutting it for me.
  • Was looking at the Office Mate’s Linkedin profile.  Me:  Take the apostrophes off your CEO’s, VP’s, etc.  It shows ownership, not plurality.  The Office Mate:  Well, when I worked for them, I did own them!
  • Even though I am a  girlie girl to a fault, I hate buying bras.  And panties.  I am pretty utilitarian about underwear because, well, who’s gonna see it?  Okay, so the non-BF does – point taken.  In order to cheer myself up from my Vomit Funk today, I went to Victoria’s Secret at lunch.  It’s about time I put some color on my tits & ass!
  • Only one thing was boring beige.  The rest are so bright, I doubt I’ll be able to wear them under anything except black.  (10 pairs of panties, one boring beige bra and one shiny, sparkly blue and pink bra.  No more underwear shopping for me until 2013.)
  • When I got back from lunch, I went to the bathroom and noticed myself in the mirror.  Wearing my standard I Don’t Feel Good So If You Know What Is Good For You, You Won’t Fuck With Me uniform (papery cotton baggy brown cropped pants, a fugly blah-colored t-shirt, my glasses, didn’t bother to do my hair and very little makeup because I may just be laboring over the toilet again), I looked SCARY.  Ran back to the office and told the Office Mate I had to take some pizzas to a class tonight and I just couldn’t do it.  Me:  Look at me, I look like shit.  (Silence from the Office Mate.)  Me:  No, I look like a homeless person!  No wonder those girls at Victoria’s Secret were following me all around the store.  “Watch her, bitch is gonna steal some bras so she can trade them on the street for a couple 40 ozs!”
  • I typically make notes of overheard shit or conversations I’ve had on whatever is around me at the time, including napkins, credit card receipts, cardboard beer coasters and once, a Tampon wrapper.  Then I shove them inside whatever bag is closest to me and forget about them.  Was cleaning out my work tote this evening and noticed a wadded up paper napkin at the bottom with “That dress is going to end up in a trash can later tonight” written on it.  I wish to the baby Jesus and all that is holy I knew when and who the hell I wrote that about!
  • On the other end of the napkin, I found this.  Me: Awkward teen?  The non-BF:  Yep, she’s never kissed a boy.  But I bet she’s kissed a few girls.  Me:  Slumber party practice?  The non-BF:  Oh yeah.
  • Ooh, a bonus find tonight!  Mom:  You know, that Spanish Club El RioThat’s where it happened.  Me:  El Rio?  The RIVER?  Sounds like a white person came up with that name.  It’s like calling it El Taco or some such shit!
  • Conversation tonight with the non-BF – Me:  No, you didn’t send me Captain Pervy.  You sent two emails to me with photos of me with really bad hair and a boa constrictor wrapped around my neck.  (No, NO ONE will ever understand us.  I still don’t.)
  • On the way home from work on Friday, I was stopped at a traffic light next to a chick sitting behind some guy on a Harley. She was wearing a sweater set and pearls.  He was wearing a bowtie.
  • Why do I always see the strangest things when I cannot possibly take a photograph, damn it?!
  • Why doesn’t anyone use the term “cad” anymore?  I always found it so much classier than calling a guy a prick, douchebag or fuckface.  Don’t you?
  • Had to run to the grocery store because all of my salad stuff was expired.  While I was there, I decided to get the furbrats a rotisserie chicken, and I returned home to discover I picked one that was a little, um, DRY.  On the phone with the non-BF, I said, “Oh well, it’s just for the dogs, right?  Let Momma have a taste first…” Was so hungry from being sick for two days that I didn’t chew properly and almost choked on the motherfucking chicken!  Me:  Mgmpmhph…ack! Okay, I am okay. I’m okay.  Him:  You’re falling apart.  First you pass out from swigging gin and now you’re choking on your chicken.  I’m going to have to get you one of those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” buttons.  One day, I’ll come over there and the dogs will be feasting on your thighs.  Me: [Click]
  • Of course I didn’t really hang up on him (although I kinda sorta wanted to – why did he have to say “feasting on your thighs” like they were a couple of luau pigs – so meaty! – or something?).  He had a point about the fowl play on the phone, though, because if I wait too late to eat, I eat too fast.  But the gin thing?  Nope, the fucking Austerity Campaign has sadly kicked in.  Besides who has feverish sweats and hallucinates from a gin & tonic?
  • Okay, okay, so from three four gin & tonics?
  • Swear to God, y’all, it was a stomach bugDamned non-BF always trying to get me into trouble!
  • P.S. I have the swollen lymph glands to prove it.  So thereNyah!
  • I once had a fever so high that I had this out of body experience where I got up out of my sweat-soaked body in bed, patted Trouble on the head and went to turn the A/C up because I was freezing.  I know it really happened, too, because I remember thinking to myself on my way back to bed, “Bitch, you really ought to clean this apartment more often.”
  • My feet are so overdue for a pedi, I’m almost ashamed to go back to my regular place.  I just know they talk about people’s crusty feet in their native language while they are sitting there smiling at us.
  • Plus, they seem to find it amusing that my feet are so ticklish and I squirm and giggle when they are scraping them.  I’m really only worried I might squirm too much one time and “accidentally” kick one of those bitches in the face.
  • Got up to make myself some hot tea to soothe my poor Chicken Choking Throat and looked down.  There it was again.  I swear, I picked out the most godawful combination of clothes in my fucking closet.  Come to think of it, I think I reserve this ensemble for my Stinky Dog Bath Days.
  • You should have seen the one time I tried to bathe all four at once.  I am Non, Queen of the Idiots!
  • I bought the Wormy Kitty another catnip toy but this one is a hanging one, which is much more entertaining for me.  Plus the little shit can’t drag it off into her water bowl then bury it in the litter box.  Was in the other room and heard this weird, semi-barking sound and ran to the crate to find Rainbow trying desperately to pull the catnip bug through the gate.  “Hugs, not drugs, Rainbow!  Hugs, not drugs.  Your crack pipe days are over, you big pussy!”
  • I cannot hear “Moves Like Jagger” without wanting to get up and dance.  Then go Google “naked Adam Levine.”  What is it with me and skinny singers with lots of tattoos?  It’s not I’d look twice at that shit if they were walking down the street.  But give them a microphone and hell yeah.
  • I used to love it when the boys in the band would dedicate “Rebel Rebel” to me.  Hot tramp, I love you so!
  • It’s so quiet around here sometimes now that Mr. Swirly is gone, I often forget I have other animals and try to do something for myself, like take a nap after going over a day without sleep.  It’s quiet, that is, until one of the dogs leaps up on my chest and barks in my face, almost giving me a fucking heart attack.  How completely impudent of me to think I’m allowed a little “me time.” So sorry!
  • UPDATED:  I cannot stop laughing over this.

Totally Random Tuesday

  • The non-BF and I keep calling Wormy Kitty a “he.”  I told the non-BF she was going to end up with gender identification issues.  The non-BF:  “Don’t you mean gender identity issues?”  Me:  “Here is something I will say that you cannot correct:  Fuck off.”
  • Rainbow is a Spiteful Pisser.  I have to be careful when packing for a trip because he will pee on my luggage.  His resentment towards Wormy Kitty is evidenced by him pissing on the jug of kitty litter.  Vindictive little bastard.
  • Even so, he isn’t as bad as Trouble was.  I once pointed my finger at him and chastised him for something he did.  Little shit snuck up behind me while I was doing my makeup, bit me on the ass and ran off.
  • I miss that damn dog.
  • LONG day today – at work before 7:30.  On the phone with the non-BF just now.  Me:  It’s been quite a day.  I think I am just going to relax.  Him:  Translation – Hoda.
  • Wouldn’t it be great to have a job where you get paid to drink early in the morning on TV?
  • Hate going grocery shopping without a list.  I forgot nail polish remover and at the last minute put back the Woolite.  Good thing, since I have three big jugs of it at home already.
  • Forced Austerity Campaign has sucked in one way:  mani/pedi.  While my toes turn out looking halfway decent, my right hand looks like a three year old took to it with a crayon.
  • Someone told me I smelled nice today.  Them:  What’s that you’re wearing?  I like it.  Me:  Lysol Spring Waterfall scent.
  • Just spilled wine on my carpet.  (No, Mom, I’m not drunk.  Just fucking clumsy is all).  Good thing I prefer white wine.  Oh well, the stain will go well with the vomit stains from Rainbow’s illness a week ago.  It was a genius idea I had to put light beige carpeting in my den of a house that has (had, at the time) four dogs.
  • No, wine is not on the off-limit list for Forced Austerity Campaign, at least not for today.  Don’t push the issue, either, because I will push back.  And I can push harder.
  • Trying for the third night in a row to repaint the Pointer Finger and Fuck You Finger on my right hand.  Now I don’t remember which of the three-insignificantly-different-shades-of-pale-pink-nail-polishes I used on the other eight.
  • I’ve had every hair color imaginable.  Okay, well every hair color found in nature.  I will try pink someday.  I just cannot pull off being a redhead, though.  Not because of my personality.  I just look like Ronald McDonald when I do.
  • Totally know when it is time for a visit to my hair stylist:  I start braiding the top of my head.  Time to hide the scissors AND the alcohol.  Bitch may start cutting if you don’t watch out!
  • I swear, I can’t remember crap from like five minutes ago, but I know what outfit I was wearing on a date in 11th grade.  Is that early onset Alzheimer’s shit selective?
  • Between Blindie’s insulin injections, the animals’ medicaton distribution and wrapping up my Probably Broken Toe, I am quite sure I was a nurse in a former life.
  • I just hope it wasn’t Nurse Ratched.
  • Wormy Kitty sounds just like Woody Woodpecker when she mews.  I really need to record that shit.
  • Every now and then, I look around at the stuff that is my life.  It really is a dichotomy.  On the one hand, there is all this shit I have to do to keep this one dog (and now cat) alive and well.  And there is all of the animal-related heartache I endured.  On the other hand are all the beautiful people I’ve met along the way.  And all the animals.  Mr. Swirly left a legacy, as did Trouble.  Blindie probably will as well.
  • Rainbow, on the other hand, only gave his opinion on window treatments.  Yeah, and okay, he is the most precious momma’s boy EVER!  “I wish all my boys were gay.  Then they would never leave me!”
  • Well shit if I didn’t mess up the Pointer Finger again.  I fucking give up!

Totally Random Tuesday, One Day Early (Well, Not NOW Since I Fucking Fell Asleep)

I am going to have to just suck it up and make this Totally Random Monday from now on, I suppose.  No excuse this time. Sorry, y’all!

UPDATED: Okay, I fell asleep in the middle of writing this.  Guess it’s Tuesday after all. No mea culpa necessary.

  • I often buy cosmetics simply for the packaging or name of the color.  [OPI’s “I’m Not Really A Waitress” is one of my personal favorites.] Then I give them away when I don’t like them.  My friends just LOVE me!  Need a new mascara?  Let’s go to non’s house.  That bitch has a bag full of them!
  • While I was digging through The Black Hole (aka my gargantuan purse), I found a walnut.  What the fuck?  I also found a catnip toy (I don’t have a cat), five buttons, someone’s phone number on a slip of paper with “Call me!” and three hearts next to it in very obvious girly handwriting (???), Mr. Swirly’s collar, a golf tee, some potato chips and a dollar bill with “Who loves ya, baby?” Sharpie’d across the bottom of it.  I am not a packrat in any part of my life except for my purse.
  • Just looked at the “walnut” again and damn if it isn’t a rock shaped like a walnut.  Or else a petrified walnut.  Why the hell do I have a rock in my purse?  What am I, three years old?
  • Ain’t no way in hell any squirrel will crack through that shit!
  • I had a Me Weekend this past weekend (meaning the non-BF and I couldn’t be bothered enough to figure out a way to see each other, except for Friday night).  Since I hadn’t washed my hair on Sunday, I decided to poof it up in the back using my hand and the leftover hair products from Saturday.  Ended up looking like I had three Bumpits in my hair.
  • I totally took a bath, y’all, I just didn’t bother submerging.
  • When we go on road trips, I make the non-BF suffer through two or three CDs of the worst possible music mixes in the entire world.  Finally, he says, “Enough!” and takes over.  Even so, he always laughs at the hand motions I have for “Tarzan Boy.”
  • I love that song.  And I’m not afraid to admit it.
  • I can talk other people into and myself out of almost anything.  Years ago, a then-boyfriend told me I had missed my calling and should have been a lawyer.  I responded by telling him I still wanted to have a soul.
  • Blindie never really feels the insulin injection I give her, but because I usually say, “Quick stick!” she always carries on like I cut off her paw or something.  The apples don’t fall far from the tree in this house.  We are ALL a bunch of Drama Queens here.  Especially Rainbow.
  • Inspired by the aforementioned Bumpit bullet point, I have been poofing up the hair on the back of my head for the past half hour.  I got it so high, if I colored it with blue Kool-Aid, I swear I’d look just like Marge Simpson.  Only without the cartoon character face.  And the two chain-smoking sisters.
  • Bunny asked me today when my Austerity Campaign was ever going to get underway.  God bless her, she actually believes that shit!
  • Tomorrow, Bunny.  Tomorrow is a good day.  Nothing started on a Tuesday ever turned out badly.  Okay, I’m laughing out loud right now.
  • Drove past the new outlet mall today.  Took a left turn and went in for a spin.  I consider it a major success that I left without even parking.  Progress, bitches.  PROGRESS.
  • While I appreciate good food, I totally look at eating from an utilitarian perspective.  Being hypoglycemic, it’s a necessity.  If I don’t want to pass out or drive into a strip mall, that is.
  • I’d like to thank my mom for squeezing me out of her uterus many moons ago.  So I’m told, I was a “darling” child until I hit 15, and then I got mouthy and got an opinion.  Thank God for all concerned that only lasted a couple of years.  The mouthy part, not the opinion.  Truth be told, I had an opinion since the day I could talk.
  • I am worse than a pregnant woman when it comes to cravings.  I drove 15 miles one way to get a chicken salad sandwich for lunch on Monday.
  • Nothing is more beautiful to me than my dogs while they are sleeping.  Blindie just curls up into a ball and doesn’t make a sound.  Rainbow dreams out loud (like his momma) and often kicks one or both of his legs (again, like his momma).  I wouldn’t know about Mr. Tail, since the non-BF has been hoarding him for the past three weeks.  I miss him.
  • Every now and then, life comes along and kicks you in the ass.  Pay attention to that shit.  It’s the universe telling you what to do next.

Totally Random Tuesday (One Day Early Because Tomorrow, I Plan On Being Lazy As Fuck)

  • The A/C in our office wasn’t working properly today, and it never really cooled off, even into the afternoon.  After sitting in the dark with the blinds closed for over an hour, I finally threw a wadded up piece of paper at the Office Mate with “Go home, it’s hot as hell in here!” written on it.  No texting, intercoms or emails at my work.  I prefer the old fashioned and fun method of communication.  Plus, I really just love to throw things at people.
  • I didn’t realize just how high maintenance I was about ordering food until the waiter we had at lunch today came up to our booth and said, “Here are all your sides.”

I think I made about SIX substitutions to my fucking salad.  It’s that bad. And oh yeah, I’m one of those “but on the side” people.

  • I went to run an errand for work at the store today, and since my pharmacy is located in the store, I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone.  None of the pharmacy techs seemed to notice me there until I told the Office Mate that I needed to pick up my Crazy Pills.  Then none of them would wait on me.  Counter intuitive reaction on their part is my opinion…why make a crazy person wait?
  • Was talking on the phone with a friend today and she told me my life was like a sitcom and that I should have my own reality TV show.  I responded by admitting to her that I’m the sixth Kardashian sister, but since I’m short, blonde, not hairy and have some taste, they won’t allow me on the show.
  • I totally love my furbrats, but since going out in the backyard with them right now is like walking through a biohazard zone without a Hazmat suit, they’re on their own!  P.S. If I suddenly stop posting, one of the 40 fucking mosquito bites on my legs did me in.  Fucking West Nile virus.
  • I want a t-shirt that says “Momma drinks because you bark, shit on the floor, piss yourself silly when I am gone for more than ten minutes and occasionally try on my shoes” but I don’t think all of that would fit on my chest.
  • Once, years ago, I gave a girlfriend a condolence card at her engagement party.  At least I didn’t have to wear one of the fucking UGLY bridesmaid dresses she picked out!
  • Yeah, this on I-20 Sunday evening.  It’s for real, y’all:

It speaks for itself. P.P.S. I still laugh at fart jokes.

  • When I showed the photo to my Baby Bro, he proceeded to tell me all about the company and while I was impressed with his knowledge (who knows shit like that?  seriously?), I just told him to shut the fuck up, laugh about it and don’t go off on one of your hour-long history-of-whatever-shit talks like you like to do.
  • I wonder if my cousin is still reading my blog because dude, you are SO sitting by me at the next family reunion!  I totally need to catch you up on shit and stuff.
  • DYAC – tried to type “compliments” and it turned it into “clump limners.”  What the FUCK is a clump limner?
  • By the way, even Google doesn’t know.  And Google knows everything.
  • I sent my hair girl a photo of my hair this morning because I was so very proud that I finally did a blow out that looked semi-professional.  I’m quite sure she probably thinks I’m stalking her.  Or deranged.  Or both.
  • Speaking of stalkers, a girl I knew from high school spent about 6 months texing and/or calling me with the latest update on her (always one-way) “relationships” with various losery men.   I finally had to change her ringtone on my iPhone to warn me of incoming calls.  Unfortunately, it is also the ringtone I gave my alarm monitoring company.  Now when it goes off, I never know if my front door is being kicked in or if I will have to listen to a 45 minute self-absorbed monologue from a histrionic narcissist.
  • Come on, you all have a “friend” like that.
  • I went to go pee and came back to find out that WordPress fucking LOGGED ME OUT and I totally lost about eight bullet points.  Good thing I’m sober because I remember about half of them.
  • A really cool friend of mine is a teacher and asked for volunteers to speak to her class about careers.  I jumped right on that shit and said the non-BF and I could come and speak.  He could be the shining example of hard work, higher education and terrific people skills.  I could be the cautionary tale of what happens when idiots quit college to get married only to end up divorced less than two years later, and then end up spending about 15 years catching the fuck up with their career.
  • By the way, she still wants me to come and speak 🙂
  • I came up with a new company policy to go to the local rec center and work out every day before we go home.  It’s called Forced Fitness because I like to have someone to work out with.
  • I noticed last week that a bottle of gin typically outlasts a bottle of diet tonic water.  Perhaps I should reconsider becoming a bartender.
  • The other day, my dad asked me if I always talk to myself.  He’s known me all my life and he is just now noticing that I am bat-shit crazy?
  • The non-BF is about to buy a car with air-conditioned seats.  Yep, you read that correctly.  Motherfucker won’t even buy my ass a used Mini Cooper.  I better be getting liposuction for Christmas!
  • Side note to the Office Mate:  Yeah, I drank the last diet Red Bull.

Totally Random Tuesday (Several Hours Late)

  • Day Two of Austerity Campaign or No Booze No Bread For 30 Days.  It fucking sucks already.
  • Thank GOD the non-BF is on a similar food campaign.  I don’t want to be the only sober motherfucker around here.
  • I am taking a webinar photography class with the non-BF (started last night) through Friday night.  So far, so good.  Except for the chick moderator who really needs to shut the hell up asking the instructor if his wood is hard or soft.  Don’t ask, you don’t want to know.
  • However, I haven’t been able to fall asleep since it ended at 11:00 p.m.
  • Hypoglycemic people really shouldn’t wait until the last minute to eat because then they will grab the lowest hanging fruit.  And by the lowest hanging fruit, I mean a packaged sandwich from a convenience store.  Two hours of throwing up and other gastrointestinal “issues” later (at least I made it to the bathroom, or this would have become another Shitting My Pants Post), I called my mommy and asked her to make me a grilled cheese sandwich.
    • I don’t care how fucking old I am, when I get sick, I turn 8 all over again.
    • And shut the fuck up, yes I know I ate bread today.  I fail.
  • I was watching videos of Bob Ross make some Happy Paintings the other day (I swear, his voice is like an opiate for me), and what do I discover while wandering around the blogs today?  The happy little clouds were my favorite!  (And thank you!)
  • Other internet education while I couldn’t sleep:  I see that Gore Vidal died and Snoop Dogg has changed his name to Snoop Lion. He will be singing songs that children and grandparents can listen to.  La la la, I have nothing else to say about that.  Except that I want what he’s been smoking. Well, NO, not really.
  • I thought it would be fun to create a fake eharmony profile to see who I got matched up with, but then thought better of it since they’d probably set me up with a serial killer and a Jehovah’s Witness.
    • Plus that damned questionnaire is too fucking long

    Plus I kept contradicting myself

  • For some reason, I found this funny. Maybe Elle Woods could step in and help them out?  (This is news, People?)
  • I guess we know which team Reese is on.
  • Outlook.com – love it or leave it?

Totally Random Tuesday

  • It’s sad when you go to make a gin & tonic and forget to add the gin.  Perhaps a drink is not what you really need right now?
  • The Office Mate told me, “Oh, your hair looks good today!”  Now I’m wondering how bad it looked all the other days.
  • The other dogs in this house have it made because Rainbow (aka the Maxi Pin) always looks guilty, even if he has been lying on his ass on my bed for an hour, sleeping.
  • I am deathly afraid of bees.  Once, at a gas station, several bees were buzzing around me as I attempted to fill my tank.  (Why are bees always at gas stations??)  I ran around screaming and flailing my arms in the air.  The clerk was nice enough to turn on the intercom so I could hear how hard everyone inside the store was laughing.
  • I don’t care how old they are, the Honey Badger and this always make me laugh:

  • I seem to attract stalkers for some reason.  There was the BF that had me followed (by someone ELSE) in college, a blog-stalker I had years ago, a guy I had ONE date with who sat outside my apartment calling me over and over when I wouldn’t answer the door, girls that want me to be friends with only them, and old men in grocery stores.
  • My girl Min Pin lifts her leg to pee.  My boy Min Pin squats.  Maybe giving him a pink Thunder Shirt isn’t really helping this issue?
  • I am one of those annoying people who posts photos of their meals on Facebook.  Feel free to hate me now.
  • The Office Mate and I went shopping at lunch today.  I bought some shoes and totally walked around for 30 minutes complaining about having buyer’s remorse.  She told me I could easily return them NOW because we were still in the store.  Me:  “Fuck that shit, it will pass.”
  • Clowns scare the ever-loving SHIT out of me.  I hate clowns.  Last year, I went on a trip overseas and too late I learned I had booked three nights in a Clown Hotel.  WTF?

  • Stationing yourself beside the crudite platter at a party kinda negates the healthiness of eating all those veggies when you drown them in ranch dressing.
  • Not only do I have a Pizza Ordering Spreadsheet, I also have a budget spreadsheet, a dog medication spreadsheet and a shopping spreadsheet.  And I’m not a Numbers Person.  I just really ❤ Excel.
  • I miss my friend, Dan The Man.  He used to leave random, strange voice mails for me when he was still alive.  Like “I really, really like David Hasselhoff,” and “Don’t come outside, I’m waiting downstairs to kill you.”  It’s hard to find friends like that.

Totally Random Tuesday

  • You know you live in a small town when the Chamber of Commerce marquee flashes “Kelly Copeland is the Bunco Queen!” as you drive by.
  • The Saltine crackers with the unsalted tops – are they still really Saltines?
  • Sometimes, I am actually as fabulous as I think I am.
  • A couple years ago, a rock bounced up from the highway and cracked my front windshield.  I was singing “Safelite repair, Safelite replace!” for about three weeks.  At work.  At home.  Out in public.  It’s still somewhat shameful to recall those dark days.
  • Whatever program randomizes my SMS pass codes for my server at work is rather pervy.  Today alone, I got pass codes with “fux,” “sex” and “tit” in them.  Password Porn.  It happens so often now, it isn’t even interesting anymore.
  • The other day, I was hungry and called my mom to take me to dinner at Costco.  Sometimes I send my dad back for seconds (and thirds), because he doesn’t get all bent out of shape asking for extra samples like my mom does.
  • Years ago, before I started that awful smoking habit, I had the most outrageous sweet tooth.  That disappeared when the nasty habit took over.  Even though I quit, to this day I’d rather have a Lay’s potato chip over a brownie, hands down.
  • Ernest Hemingway said, “Write drunk; edit sober.”  He also wrote while in the nude.  Drunk naked blogging.  That would kick ass!
  • Thanks mucho to @Katjaneway who warned me of the dangers of owning a pygmy goat.  I’m wavering now, but a part of me is still convinced that my life would be complete if only I owned a tiny goat.
  • I have strict instructions for my parents in the event I lapse into a coma.  Someone MUST pluck the hair that grows out of the mole on my cheek.  Also, if I die, they are required to keep a shrine up for one year.  A pink shrine.  Cremate my ass, and no funeral, nope.  I don’t want to be mourned, but I do want to be idolized.  And there must be glitter.  Lots of glitter.
  • Don’t hate me because I have a mole on my cheek that grows a hair.  It’s not like I have a mustache or anything like that.  And I pluck on a regular basis.
  • I have had a strict policy for YEARS now that I answer the phone when and if I want to.  Not at work, of course – there, I am always available! – but at home after hours, hell yes.  Just because it rings doesn’t mean you have to answer the fucker.
  • My first trip abroad was over 11 years ago (and pre-9/11 – back then, you could fly drunk).  We had a layover in Boston, so we hit the pubs.  At the time, I hated taking photos, so I didn’t own a camera and I borrowed my mom’s.  (Pre-cell phone camera days, obviously.)  We got so blitzed at this one Irish pub that I put the camera on the ground next to my purse, then left an hour later without it.  I called my mom the next day from England:  “Mom, I’m okay, I’m fine!”  She was beside herself, thinking something had happened.  Then I told her I lost her camera.  Best way to break bad news to a parent is to make it sound like you barely escaped death.  They forgive much easier that way.
  • P.S. I told her the truth later.  She didn’t find it as amusing as I did.
  • P.P.S. Since then, I have bought my own camera.  Funny, I never managed to lose it.
  • I would love to see all the weird shit people put on flower delivery cards.  I bet florists have some stories to tell.  They probably also know who are having illicit affairs.
  • I am one of those people who, when they see a bag by the side of the road, thinks there is a dead body inside.
  • I also get really sad about roadkill.  Even if it isn’t actually roadkill.  “Poor bag!”
  • I brake for squirrels.  And birds.
  • Online window shopping is about my most favorite vertical thing to do.  Drunk online shopping is worse than a one night stand, though.  No diseases, true, but four $40 t-shirts in the same color but different sizes?  Bitch, please, just go to bed the next time!
  • I don’t get text messages and emails that just say “Hi!”  If you are going to distract me from my day, you better have something to say.
  • Never buy into a cryptic Facebook status update that makes you wonder what is wrong.  “So sad.”  “Oh, depressed again.”  “I can’t take much more.”  Honey, I am the QUEEN of attention whores…at least make it interesting, please.
  • It’s taken every fiber of my being to NOT get another dog.  No, I don’t want a replacement for Mr. Swirly (as if that exists!), but it really is too quiet around here!
  • There are around 650 calories in a bottle of white wine (give or take).  Or, as the non-BF calls it, a “serving.”  If I cut out lunch and dinner, I’ll still make my daily intake goal!
  • I totally had to Google how many calories were in a bottle of white wine.
  • Grief makes people do weird things.  I stopped eating and cried constantly when I lost my first Min Pin.  With Mr. Swirly’s passing, I’ve been making jokes about what a crazy, swirly dog he was.  I prefer the laughter over the crying.  Even though I do still cry a little bit.  He was a great dog.  A dog like no other.  I dare people to show me a stranger little fucker than that dog.  He walked backwards and tried on my flip-flops.  I still miss him 😦
  • Sometimes, I don’t know when to quit.  Like now.  I guess this is the end of this!