Category Archives: Totally Random Tuesday

Totally Random Tuesday

  • I wish for a real winter this year so all the mosquitos and other bugs will die.  I hate bugs with a passion.  All these idiots around here who hate cold weather need to shut it this year.  I’m sick of worrying that each time I take the dogs out, a West Nile Virus mosquito will get me.
  • When I kill a bug, I have to use about eight paper towels to pick its dead body up with.  Not one – no, that might mean I’d feel its crunchy, nasty, broken bug body through the paper towel.  I also have to Lysol the floor and surrounding areas (just in case some bug juice got there, too).
  • If I see a bug, I squeal like a little girl.  I know, pathetic.  I’m pretty independent but I’ve been known to call my mommy and daddy to come kill bugs for me.  I tried that with the non-BF once and he just sighed and told me he was going to bed.  My charm works most of the time, but a 30 minute drive to kill a spider?  I don’t think so.  (I will still try anyway…never hurts to ask.)
  • I don’t even know why bugs were ever created.  What fucking purpose do they serve, other than to annoy me and make my skin crawl, and to keep exterminators employed?  Maybe bugs were created on the Seventh Day, when God took a rest.  Some rebel angel thought, “Hey, let’s mess with the humans and give them this shit!”
  • Looked at the bottom of my foot just now and realized I am overdue for a pedicure even though I had one less than two weeks ago.  SO ready for fall to be here where I can switch to boots and flats and not have to worry about my crusty-ass feet!  I still shave my legs every day, even in the winter.  I’m not that gross, thank you very much!
  • No offense to those of you who don’t in the winter.  I just cannot stand to have hairy legs.  I probably could skip a day or two, though.  It takes forever for the hair to grow back on my legs.  Should really look into laser hair removal, I know.
  • Was at a dinner party this past weekend.  When we arrived, I poked the non-BF and pointed at a tall vase sitting on the floor of the host/hostess’ house.  It was about 1/3 full of wine corks.  I told the non-BF, “See?  I’m not the only one who does that!”  (I have several vases in my house with all these different wine corks in them.  They’re pretty – try it.)  The non-BF, to the hostess:  I have a friend who has his guests sign the cork and he dates them.  You know, if it is a special event.  We all agreed it was a clever way to document good drinking entertaining memories.  I thought to myself but thankfully didn’t add to the conversation that mine would all look like:  (2 corks) “9-3-12, non-GF, it was a Monday“, (4 corks) “8-31-12, non-GF, full moon”, or (3 corks) “5-15-12, non-GF, an old woman gave me a dirty look at the grocery store today.”
  • When people see my Lushy Wino Cork Vases for the first time, they always exclaim, “WOW, that’s a lot of wine you’ve had!”  I give them the Stink Eye because it’s not like I collected all of them in one month or anything.  It took me two.
  • Rainbow likes to bite his own toenails.  Yep, pretty disgusting and also quite unusual – I don’t know anyone else who has a dog that does that.  He will sit and snack on them like he is gnawing on a log of wood or something.  I tried painting Rainbow’s toenails once but he only let me get by with doing two of them.  It bugged the shit out of me that he walked around like that for a week.
  • When I go on vacation, I always pack a few workout outfits because yeah, I’m going to be more dedicated to doing that shit when I’m on vacation than I am in real life.  Dumbass.  That’s just more room for shoes!
  • At least I stopped carrying an extra suitcase for shoes.  My Vacation Suitcase (as opposed to my Work Travel Suitcase) can fit a smallish woman in it.  I know because I climbed inside to see if I could when I first got it.  Even so, I still needed an extra suitcase for my shoes.  Or so I thought.  The last vacation, I didn’t do that because I got sick of the non-BF bitching about all my luggage (that he ended up carrying, ha!).  So I thought I’d be nice and scale it down a bit.  He spent 10 minutes at the airport moving shit from my Large Enough To Stow A Dead Body bag into his small bag so I wouldn’t have to pay $100 for an over the weight limit suitcase.  He’s so sweet like that.  Next trip, hon, I promise I’ll be better!
  • When he gets a little too grumpy about it, I remind him he could be traveling with Kate Winslet on the Titanic.  That usually shuts him up.  Only because he typically won’t respond to the more absurd things I say.
  • I’m so OCD that years ago, I used to keep a Clothing Diary so I wouldn’t wear the same outfit in a month.  Once, a guy I was hanging out with found it and wrote the next day’s date in the diary, then penned “Red dress again.”  I was so pissed off at the time.  I thank God and the Clothing Fairy that I grew up because now, I’d snap a photo of that shit and post it on Facebook.  It was funny.  And yes, I was way too uptight back then.
  • I no longer keep a Clothing Diary, by the way.  The Compulsive Shopping Illness I have has kind of taken care of me ever having to worry about that again.
  • No, I don’t have a spreadsheet for my clothes.  But it’s a grand idea, thanks!

Totally Random Tuesday

  • I used to be really obsessed with brushing my teeth.  I’d brush them when I woke up, after breakfast, before I left for work, at lunch, when I got home from work and right before I went to bed.  I had a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse, in my desk and a spare at my parents’ house. Honestly, I’m surprised I have any gums left.  Now I only do it four times a day.  Progress.
  • My mom has started reading my blog again.  Mostly, I think that’s cool, because now that she knows how to text, she gets all smartass and funny on me about my posts.  About 3% of me thinks it might be a bit dangerous, though.  It was bad enough when she was stalking me on Facebook.
  • Found another scrap of paper in my purse today.  I believe from the paper it was written on that it came from our last vacation.  Me:  Look at my poor broken toe.  The non-BF: (Just a look)  Me:  Chut up, Charita, I am totally going to get as much mileage out of this as possible.  Nothing ever happens to me.  The non-BF:  Oh, something’s about to happen to you on this trip, all right.  I brought along a baseball bat.
  • Much like a Keeping Up With The Kardashians marathon, watching only one episode of Hoarders makes me feel so much better about my life!
  • Yesterday was one of those days where I just could not find anything to eat that appealed to me.  Well, except for the extremely fattening fast food breakfast I had.  “I would like an order of grease with some fat on the side, please.”  It took every fiber in my being not to throw up from what was probably about 10,000 calories I ingested.
  • Had a healthy breakfast this morning, however.  Then I go and fuck it up by eating chicken salad on a damned croissant.  I fail.
  • P.S. to the dumbass in front of me in line at lunch:  Make up your fucking mind on what else you want to eat before you get to the checkout, idiot.  I stood behind her for FIVE MINUTES while she asked about different items.  She already had five items on her tray, so Miss Piggy, I think that was really enough, you don’t need anything else.  P.P.S. Have your “method of payment” ready when you go to pay, don’t be digging around in your makeup bag for loose change, bitch.  She was as bad as those old people who stand in line for ten minutes at the grocery store, staring off into space, then wait to WRITE A CHECK after everything is rung up.
  • I really do NOT get Charmin’s “enjoy the go” commercial.  We are talking about shitting here, people.  Let’s not sugarcoat it.
  • This episode of Hoarders is making me sick to my stomach.  They found FOUR DEAD CATS in this crazy woman’s house.  One was under a three foot pile of adult diapers.  Used ones. I’m assuming they were the crazy lady’s diapers.
  • My hair was about 15 kinds of messed up today.  I totally pulled it off by saying that the Jonesing Crack Whore Do was absolutely the look I was going for.
  • The bad thing about IBS is that my poop waits for no one.  It’s really a crap shoot, so to speak.  I’ve become an expert about know where the nearest bathroom is at all times.
  • TOTALLY watching “Titanic” for the umpteenth time tonight.  My poor, poor dogs.
  • During a meeting this afternoon, I received THIRTEEN texts from the non-BF.  After the meeting, I called him and said, “I’m in a meeting – can you stop sending texts!”  We both just laughed and laughed.
  • On the way back to the office from that meeting today, I passed a van with “ASAP Expediters” painted on the side.  Since I left it behind three or four times in my tiny little crap car, they don’t seem to be too effective at their job.
  • My Grumpy Friend has not called me since that day.  If I was really going to piss her off, I might as well have texted “Lighten up, Frances” after all. I hate wasted opportunities.
  • I still remember exactly where I was when the second plane hit the other tower:  Unemployed, just got in from a night at the non-BF’s, probably still a little drunk.  Later that day, I called my soon-to-be boss and commented on how terrible it was.  New Boss:  What is?  I swear, to this day, I don’t know how anyone could not have been glued to their TV.  I was for a week.  Kinda helped that I didn’t have a job at the time, though.
  • What the HELL is it with puppy paws and them smelling like Fritos?  I swear, you could serve up my dogs with some bean dip and have a fucking PARTY.
  • Six months before, almost to the day, I was on AA flight 11 out of Boston.  That’s when I started choking at 33,000 feet and had to be given oxygen.  I freaked out when I heard the flight number on September 11, 2001.
  • This quitting smoking thing is not going so well.  Perhaps I should try aversion therapy.  I could just hire someone to smack me in the face every time I light up.
  • I don’t know why I smoke anyway.  I don’t inhale.
  • Back in the old non-girlfriend days, there was a fellow blogger who called herself Princess Steph.  She was always writing about all these guys she slept with (more like a courtesan than a princess, really).  My blog-stalker at  the time, Nein, would respond to her comments and would start his response by calling her “Staph.”  She never seemed to get it but I laughed my ass off every time I saw that.
  • I smell sex and candy here.
  • If I’m honest, I smell dogs, sweat and hairspray, but that sounded so less hot than the above.
  • I have a friend who works in property management.  Occasionally, I will call her, disguise my voice and ask about renting an apartment.  “Miss, I will be having strange men coming and going all hours of the day and night.  That won’t pose a problem for you, will it?”  The first time, she didn’t realize it was me at the beginning, and I have to tell you that she handled the call so well, I was tempted to call her boss and demand that he give her a raise.  Today, I left her a voice mail.  This time:  “I would like to rent an apartment.  I have 17 cats, three birds, a tiny pig and a very fat tortoise.  What would my pet deposit be?”  She called me back about 30 minutes later, laughing, and said, “I’m in a meeting – can you stop sending texts!”
  • Two weeks down and two or four weeks to go on the Wormy Kitty’s ringworm treatment, and then I can release her from the Kitty Prison.  I just know that the first night she is free, she is going to smother me in my sleep for keeping her locked up for so long!
  • Every now and then, Rainbow goes up to the Kitty Prison all cautious like and then barks and runs away.  I give it one day before he’s Wormy Kitty’s bitch when she gets out.
  • Just like how my hair always looks fabulous when I have no place to go, I always seem to get a zit right before I have any kind of meeting.  Today, my hair looked like shit and if the zit on my forehead popped up about three inches lower on my face, you could have called me Rudolph.
  • Got carded buying wine after work.  I chuckled as I handed the clerk my ID.  He took a look at the birth date and said, “OH.”  I responded with, “Yeah OH.”  He swore to me that he didn’t mean it that way.  “I did,” I said.  “Some days I feel older than others.”  He was kind enough to tell me I certainly don’t look my age.  It must have been the zit.

Totally Random Tuesday

  • The non-BF and I keep calling Wormy Kitty a “he.”  I told the non-BF she was going to end up with gender identification issues.  The non-BF:  “Don’t you mean gender identity issues?”  Me:  “Here is something I will say that you cannot correct:  Fuck off.”
  • Rainbow is a Spiteful Pisser.  I have to be careful when packing for a trip because he will pee on my luggage.  His resentment towards Wormy Kitty is evidenced by him pissing on the jug of kitty litter.  Vindictive little bastard.
  • Even so, he isn’t as bad as Trouble was.  I once pointed my finger at him and chastised him for something he did.  Little shit snuck up behind me while I was doing my makeup, bit me on the ass and ran off.
  • I miss that damn dog.
  • LONG day today – at work before 7:30.  On the phone with the non-BF just now.  Me:  It’s been quite a day.  I think I am just going to relax.  Him:  Translation – Hoda.
  • Wouldn’t it be great to have a job where you get paid to drink early in the morning on TV?
  • Hate going grocery shopping without a list.  I forgot nail polish remover and at the last minute put back the Woolite.  Good thing, since I have three big jugs of it at home already.
  • Forced Austerity Campaign has sucked in one way:  mani/pedi.  While my toes turn out looking halfway decent, my right hand looks like a three year old took to it with a crayon.
  • Someone told me I smelled nice today.  Them:  What’s that you’re wearing?  I like it.  Me:  Lysol Spring Waterfall scent.
  • Just spilled wine on my carpet.  (No, Mom, I’m not drunk.  Just fucking clumsy is all).  Good thing I prefer white wine.  Oh well, the stain will go well with the vomit stains from Rainbow’s illness a week ago.  It was a genius idea I had to put light beige carpeting in my den of a house that has (had, at the time) four dogs.
  • No, wine is not on the off-limit list for Forced Austerity Campaign, at least not for today.  Don’t push the issue, either, because I will push back.  And I can push harder.
  • Trying for the third night in a row to repaint the Pointer Finger and Fuck You Finger on my right hand.  Now I don’t remember which of the three-insignificantly-different-shades-of-pale-pink-nail-polishes I used on the other eight.
  • I’ve had every hair color imaginable.  Okay, well every hair color found in nature.  I will try pink someday.  I just cannot pull off being a redhead, though.  Not because of my personality.  I just look like Ronald McDonald when I do.
  • Totally know when it is time for a visit to my hair stylist:  I start braiding the top of my head.  Time to hide the scissors AND the alcohol.  Bitch may start cutting if you don’t watch out!
  • I swear, I can’t remember crap from like five minutes ago, but I know what outfit I was wearing on a date in 11th grade.  Is that early onset Alzheimer’s shit selective?
  • Between Blindie’s insulin injections, the animals’ medicaton distribution and wrapping up my Probably Broken Toe, I am quite sure I was a nurse in a former life.
  • I just hope it wasn’t Nurse Ratched.
  • Wormy Kitty sounds just like Woody Woodpecker when she mews.  I really need to record that shit.
  • Every now and then, I look around at the stuff that is my life.  It really is a dichotomy.  On the one hand, there is all this shit I have to do to keep this one dog (and now cat) alive and well.  And there is all of the animal-related heartache I endured.  On the other hand are all the beautiful people I’ve met along the way.  And all the animals.  Mr. Swirly left a legacy, as did Trouble.  Blindie probably will as well.
  • Rainbow, on the other hand, only gave his opinion on window treatments.  Yeah, and okay, he is the most precious momma’s boy EVER!  “I wish all my boys were gay.  Then they would never leave me!”
  • Well shit if I didn’t mess up the Pointer Finger again.  I fucking give up!

Totally Random Tuesday, One Day Early (Well, Not NOW Since I Fucking Fell Asleep)

I am going to have to just suck it up and make this Totally Random Monday from now on, I suppose.  No excuse this time. Sorry, y’all!

UPDATED: Okay, I fell asleep in the middle of writing this.  Guess it’s Tuesday after all. No mea culpa necessary.

  • I often buy cosmetics simply for the packaging or name of the color.  [OPI’s “I’m Not Really A Waitress” is one of my personal favorites.] Then I give them away when I don’t like them.  My friends just LOVE me!  Need a new mascara?  Let’s go to non’s house.  That bitch has a bag full of them!
  • While I was digging through The Black Hole (aka my gargantuan purse), I found a walnut.  What the fuck?  I also found a catnip toy (I don’t have a cat), five buttons, someone’s phone number on a slip of paper with “Call me!” and three hearts next to it in very obvious girly handwriting (???), Mr. Swirly’s collar, a golf tee, some potato chips and a dollar bill with “Who loves ya, baby?” Sharpie’d across the bottom of it.  I am not a packrat in any part of my life except for my purse.
  • Just looked at the “walnut” again and damn if it isn’t a rock shaped like a walnut.  Or else a petrified walnut.  Why the hell do I have a rock in my purse?  What am I, three years old?
  • Ain’t no way in hell any squirrel will crack through that shit!
  • I had a Me Weekend this past weekend (meaning the non-BF and I couldn’t be bothered enough to figure out a way to see each other, except for Friday night).  Since I hadn’t washed my hair on Sunday, I decided to poof it up in the back using my hand and the leftover hair products from Saturday.  Ended up looking like I had three Bumpits in my hair.
  • I totally took a bath, y’all, I just didn’t bother submerging.
  • When we go on road trips, I make the non-BF suffer through two or three CDs of the worst possible music mixes in the entire world.  Finally, he says, “Enough!” and takes over.  Even so, he always laughs at the hand motions I have for “Tarzan Boy.”
  • I love that song.  And I’m not afraid to admit it.
  • I can talk other people into and myself out of almost anything.  Years ago, a then-boyfriend told me I had missed my calling and should have been a lawyer.  I responded by telling him I still wanted to have a soul.
  • Blindie never really feels the insulin injection I give her, but because I usually say, “Quick stick!” she always carries on like I cut off her paw or something.  The apples don’t fall far from the tree in this house.  We are ALL a bunch of Drama Queens here.  Especially Rainbow.
  • Inspired by the aforementioned Bumpit bullet point, I have been poofing up the hair on the back of my head for the past half hour.  I got it so high, if I colored it with blue Kool-Aid, I swear I’d look just like Marge Simpson.  Only without the cartoon character face.  And the two chain-smoking sisters.
  • Bunny asked me today when my Austerity Campaign was ever going to get underway.  God bless her, she actually believes that shit!
  • Tomorrow, Bunny.  Tomorrow is a good day.  Nothing started on a Tuesday ever turned out badly.  Okay, I’m laughing out loud right now.
  • Drove past the new outlet mall today.  Took a left turn and went in for a spin.  I consider it a major success that I left without even parking.  Progress, bitches.  PROGRESS.
  • While I appreciate good food, I totally look at eating from an utilitarian perspective.  Being hypoglycemic, it’s a necessity.  If I don’t want to pass out or drive into a strip mall, that is.
  • I’d like to thank my mom for squeezing me out of her uterus many moons ago.  So I’m told, I was a “darling” child until I hit 15, and then I got mouthy and got an opinion.  Thank God for all concerned that only lasted a couple of years.  The mouthy part, not the opinion.  Truth be told, I had an opinion since the day I could talk.
  • I am worse than a pregnant woman when it comes to cravings.  I drove 15 miles one way to get a chicken salad sandwich for lunch on Monday.
  • Nothing is more beautiful to me than my dogs while they are sleeping.  Blindie just curls up into a ball and doesn’t make a sound.  Rainbow dreams out loud (like his momma) and often kicks one or both of his legs (again, like his momma).  I wouldn’t know about Mr. Tail, since the non-BF has been hoarding him for the past three weeks.  I miss him.
  • Every now and then, life comes along and kicks you in the ass.  Pay attention to that shit.  It’s the universe telling you what to do next.

Totally Random Tuesday, One Day Early

Tied up in an all-day meeting tomorrow (ha! I accidentally typed “ass-day“), and then dinner, so you’re getting this shit early:

  • During Forced Fitness today, I saw an elderly woman walk in the gym wearing an AC/DC shirt.  Too bad I was too far away or I would have taken a photo and used that as my avatar.
  • While on our morning phone call, the non-BF was telling me about his success with his Austerity Campaign (NO, I haven’t officially started mine yet, and don’t ask why because I don’t want to have to slap you).  That bastard has lost 11 pounds in 8 days.  I responded by telling him about the dream I had about him last night.  Me:  “You were totally living downtown in some loft or something and I found out you went downstairs to eat KFC with your hot twenty-something neighbors.  And took Mr. Tail.  So basically, you triple betrayed me, jackass.”  Him:  “I’m the only person I know who gets bitched out for what I do in someone else’s dreams.”
  • After that, I described in full detail the cheesey eggs I’d be eating for breakfast.  Take that, ha!
  • Don’t think I’ll be getting that MacBook Pro anytime soon.
  • I think I am going through another phase where sugar free Red Bull makes me sick.  That happened for about two months earlier this year.  Or else God is paying me back for taunting the non-BF with what I ate for breakfast.  Projectile vomiting twice in one day is no fun.
  • Unfortunately, I think I also threw up my Crazy Pill.
  • The toilet in my bathroom was acting all crazy and shit, so I shut the water off until my dad could take a look at it.  Today, I got home and all the stuff I had on the toilet tank top was on my bed.  Called my mom and asked if he had fixed the damned thing.  She said yes.  Me:  “Well, he forgot to put everything back.”  No Daughter of the Year award for me in 2012.
  • I did call him afterward to thank him.  Dad:  “I forgot to put the stuff back.”  Me:  “Don’t worry about it.”  My mom totally does NOT get my sense of humor.
  • He also bitched at me for “putting that blue shit in the toilet.” I really like the blue shit, Dad.  It reminds me of the ocean.
  • I’m still waiting for a bar to name a drink after me.  “The Tonic Boom” is a good name.
  • Dallas pretty much sucks.  Not because of the pretentiousness that is rampant here (I kinda like thatlots of shit to make fun of!).  No, it sucks because of the horrible quality of the air.  My sinuses are all screwed up, and everyone I know says the same thing.  A twenty minute nosebleed every morning is not the right way to start your day.
  • You know it’s fucking hot as hell when the Min Pin Who Can See won’t chase the birds standing in the backyard.  They all had their mouths open and looked so thirsty.  Yet every time I try to hose them down, they all fly away.  Ungrateful motherfuckers.
  • I really don’t spray them with water.  I turn on the hose and hope they come by for a drink.  I’m a huge animal rights/welfare person.  Only reason why I’m NOT the Crazy Dog Lady is that my family has me on watch.
  • I’m sad because my laptop is dead.  The non-BF:  “Did you back it up?”  Well, hell no, that’s a stupid question!  Me:  “You still have the last back-up, right?”  I did send the important shit to myself via email.  But I forgot to put my “Shopping” spreadsheet in with the rest.  Now I’m going to have to make another one.  Damn.  Good thing I still have the folder with:

It just keeps getting thicker!

  • If the non-BF ever called me by my birth name, I’d be nervous as shit.  I think I’ve had one or another nickname from him for 12 years now.  If he uses my real name, I know I’ve fucked up and better start working on damage control, and FAST.
  • I’m on a mission now to retrieve my old non-girlfriend archives from the Other Dead PC.  If so, I will repost some of my favorites.
  • Typically, if I paint my own nails, it looks like a drunk three year-old got some Essie and went to town.  I’m sticking to a “nude” color for my fingernails and hoping like hell for the best tomorrow!
  • That’s about two day’s worth there.  I’m off to “relax” with some wine and force the Min Pins to watch cooking shows.
  • UPDATED:  For the love of the sweet baby Jesus and all that is holy, another fucking kitten showed up.  The one I couldn’t find on Saturday. Meowing like really loud outside my front door.  I had to look out the front blinds in case it was one of those urban myth things where a gangster was waiting to kill my ass or worse, take me off into sex slave trade when I opened the door.  Little shit ran off and hid under my porch.  So yeah, I have two Dixie bowls on my sidewalk with water and food.  Nice way to attract bugs.  Ugh! No longer the Crazy Dog Lady…I have a new title.  Crazy Stray Animal Bitch.  God help me.

I Want My Happy Ending, Damn It!!

Totally Random Shit I Said, Did, Questioned, Thought About and/or Experienced Today:

  • “One day, you might feel very generous and decide to buy me a Mini Cooper.” (said me to the non-BF, as he talked finances with me – all way over my head! – and I realized I’ll never, ever be one of those Ladies Who Lunch. Thank God.)
  • He really still could buy me a Mini.  I’m totally independent, y’all, but I want a new car and I am not above whoring myself out for one.
  • The non-BF responded with “No more jewelry for you!”  Fuck that shit, I better back-track, and FAST.
  • Decided 2:00 p.m. for a “lunch date” at Target (with myself) was a good idea.  Until the Devil Child From Hell in the store started screaming and what is left of my reproductive system tried to make a break for it via my vagina.
  • Is it wrong that I call Snarky (my dog who cannot see) “Blindie?”  It really is sort of a cute name.
  • When I was in college studying English, I had a professor who said people who used commas too often were like “loose girls.” Not only was I highly offended by that comment (what about the guys who were promiscuous? I bet you think exclamation points are okay, misogynistic old dude!), but since then, I am so very careful about commas.  Not about semi-colons, though. No, not meI throw that shit around like a motherfucker!
  • Re: the service provider I was talking to about my home repairs totally needs to go to Non-Girlfriend’s School of Customer Service:  “He’s servicing me, not the other way around.  I want my Happy Ending!”  Bitch, please.  Just pick up the phone and call my fucking assWho is paying whom here??
  • Mom, please don’t Google that phrase.  You really do NOT want to know.
  • This whole shopping “disorder” I have (i.e., not enough money to buy all the shit I need want) is driving me crazy crazier.  And the family!  Well hell, my mom gives me flyers from stores every weekend, telling me “Look at this, it’s on SALE!”  It’s like driving a drunk to the Buck & Ruck and telling them “Here’s fifty dollars – go on, knock yourself out!

P.S. For those of you who might think I’m a materialistic bitch, I am.  I love shiny things!  But I also give homeless people beer money, I regularly donate to local no-kill shelters, and have successfully fostered over 30 animals in my day.  Plus I have and still would risk my life to save an animal.  Or person.

Put that in your judgmental pipe and smoke it!

Totally Random Tuesday (One Day Early Because Tomorrow, I Plan On Being Lazy As Fuck)

  • The A/C in our office wasn’t working properly today, and it never really cooled off, even into the afternoon.  After sitting in the dark with the blinds closed for over an hour, I finally threw a wadded up piece of paper at the Office Mate with “Go home, it’s hot as hell in here!” written on it.  No texting, intercoms or emails at my work.  I prefer the old fashioned and fun method of communication.  Plus, I really just love to throw things at people.
  • I didn’t realize just how high maintenance I was about ordering food until the waiter we had at lunch today came up to our booth and said, “Here are all your sides.”

I think I made about SIX substitutions to my fucking salad.  It’s that bad. And oh yeah, I’m one of those “but on the side” people.

  • I went to run an errand for work at the store today, and since my pharmacy is located in the store, I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone.  None of the pharmacy techs seemed to notice me there until I told the Office Mate that I needed to pick up my Crazy Pills.  Then none of them would wait on me.  Counter intuitive reaction on their part is my opinion…why make a crazy person wait?
  • Was talking on the phone with a friend today and she told me my life was like a sitcom and that I should have my own reality TV show.  I responded by admitting to her that I’m the sixth Kardashian sister, but since I’m short, blonde, not hairy and have some taste, they won’t allow me on the show.
  • I totally love my furbrats, but since going out in the backyard with them right now is like walking through a biohazard zone without a Hazmat suit, they’re on their own!  P.S. If I suddenly stop posting, one of the 40 fucking mosquito bites on my legs did me in.  Fucking West Nile virus.
  • I want a t-shirt that says “Momma drinks because you bark, shit on the floor, piss yourself silly when I am gone for more than ten minutes and occasionally try on my shoes” but I don’t think all of that would fit on my chest.
  • Once, years ago, I gave a girlfriend a condolence card at her engagement party.  At least I didn’t have to wear one of the fucking UGLY bridesmaid dresses she picked out!
  • Yeah, this on I-20 Sunday evening.  It’s for real, y’all:

It speaks for itself. P.P.S. I still laugh at fart jokes.

  • When I showed the photo to my Baby Bro, he proceeded to tell me all about the company and while I was impressed with his knowledge (who knows shit like that?  seriously?), I just told him to shut the fuck up, laugh about it and don’t go off on one of your hour-long history-of-whatever-shit talks like you like to do.
  • I wonder if my cousin is still reading my blog because dude, you are SO sitting by me at the next family reunion!  I totally need to catch you up on shit and stuff.
  • DYAC – tried to type “compliments” and it turned it into “clump limners.”  What the FUCK is a clump limner?
  • By the way, even Google doesn’t know.  And Google knows everything.
  • I sent my hair girl a photo of my hair this morning because I was so very proud that I finally did a blow out that looked semi-professional.  I’m quite sure she probably thinks I’m stalking her.  Or deranged.  Or both.
  • Speaking of stalkers, a girl I knew from high school spent about 6 months texing and/or calling me with the latest update on her (always one-way) “relationships” with various losery men.   I finally had to change her ringtone on my iPhone to warn me of incoming calls.  Unfortunately, it is also the ringtone I gave my alarm monitoring company.  Now when it goes off, I never know if my front door is being kicked in or if I will have to listen to a 45 minute self-absorbed monologue from a histrionic narcissist.
  • Come on, you all have a “friend” like that.
  • I went to go pee and came back to find out that WordPress fucking LOGGED ME OUT and I totally lost about eight bullet points.  Good thing I’m sober because I remember about half of them.
  • A really cool friend of mine is a teacher and asked for volunteers to speak to her class about careers.  I jumped right on that shit and said the non-BF and I could come and speak.  He could be the shining example of hard work, higher education and terrific people skills.  I could be the cautionary tale of what happens when idiots quit college to get married only to end up divorced less than two years later, and then end up spending about 15 years catching the fuck up with their career.
  • By the way, she still wants me to come and speak 🙂
  • I came up with a new company policy to go to the local rec center and work out every day before we go home.  It’s called Forced Fitness because I like to have someone to work out with.
  • I noticed last week that a bottle of gin typically outlasts a bottle of diet tonic water.  Perhaps I should reconsider becoming a bartender.
  • The other day, my dad asked me if I always talk to myself.  He’s known me all my life and he is just now noticing that I am bat-shit crazy?
  • The non-BF is about to buy a car with air-conditioned seats.  Yep, you read that correctly.  Motherfucker won’t even buy my ass a used Mini Cooper.  I better be getting liposuction for Christmas!
  • Side note to the Office Mate:  Yeah, I drank the last diet Red Bull.

Totally Random Tuesday (Several Hours Late)

  • Day Two of Austerity Campaign or No Booze No Bread For 30 Days.  It fucking sucks already.
  • Thank GOD the non-BF is on a similar food campaign.  I don’t want to be the only sober motherfucker around here.
  • I am taking a webinar photography class with the non-BF (started last night) through Friday night.  So far, so good.  Except for the chick moderator who really needs to shut the hell up asking the instructor if his wood is hard or soft.  Don’t ask, you don’t want to know.
  • However, I haven’t been able to fall asleep since it ended at 11:00 p.m.
  • Hypoglycemic people really shouldn’t wait until the last minute to eat because then they will grab the lowest hanging fruit.  And by the lowest hanging fruit, I mean a packaged sandwich from a convenience store.  Two hours of throwing up and other gastrointestinal “issues” later (at least I made it to the bathroom, or this would have become another Shitting My Pants Post), I called my mommy and asked her to make me a grilled cheese sandwich.
    • I don’t care how fucking old I am, when I get sick, I turn 8 all over again.
    • And shut the fuck up, yes I know I ate bread today.  I fail.
  • I was watching videos of Bob Ross make some Happy Paintings the other day (I swear, his voice is like an opiate for me), and what do I discover while wandering around the blogs today?  The happy little clouds were my favorite!  (And thank you!)
  • Other internet education while I couldn’t sleep:  I see that Gore Vidal died and Snoop Dogg has changed his name to Snoop Lion. He will be singing songs that children and grandparents can listen to.  La la la, I have nothing else to say about that.  Except that I want what he’s been smoking. Well, NO, not really.
  • I thought it would be fun to create a fake eharmony profile to see who I got matched up with, but then thought better of it since they’d probably set me up with a serial killer and a Jehovah’s Witness.
    • Plus that damned questionnaire is too fucking long

    Plus I kept contradicting myself

  • For some reason, I found this funny. Maybe Elle Woods could step in and help them out?  (This is news, People?)
  • I guess we know which team Reese is on.
  • – love it or leave it?

Totally Random Tuesday

  • It’s sad when you go to make a gin & tonic and forget to add the gin.  Perhaps a drink is not what you really need right now?
  • The Office Mate told me, “Oh, your hair looks good today!”  Now I’m wondering how bad it looked all the other days.
  • The other dogs in this house have it made because Rainbow (aka the Maxi Pin) always looks guilty, even if he has been lying on his ass on my bed for an hour, sleeping.
  • I am deathly afraid of bees.  Once, at a gas station, several bees were buzzing around me as I attempted to fill my tank.  (Why are bees always at gas stations??)  I ran around screaming and flailing my arms in the air.  The clerk was nice enough to turn on the intercom so I could hear how hard everyone inside the store was laughing.
  • I don’t care how old they are, the Honey Badger and this always make me laugh:

  • I seem to attract stalkers for some reason.  There was the BF that had me followed (by someone ELSE) in college, a blog-stalker I had years ago, a guy I had ONE date with who sat outside my apartment calling me over and over when I wouldn’t answer the door, girls that want me to be friends with only them, and old men in grocery stores.
  • My girl Min Pin lifts her leg to pee.  My boy Min Pin squats.  Maybe giving him a pink Thunder Shirt isn’t really helping this issue?
  • I am one of those annoying people who posts photos of their meals on Facebook.  Feel free to hate me now.
  • The Office Mate and I went shopping at lunch today.  I bought some shoes and totally walked around for 30 minutes complaining about having buyer’s remorse.  She told me I could easily return them NOW because we were still in the store.  Me:  “Fuck that shit, it will pass.”
  • Clowns scare the ever-loving SHIT out of me.  I hate clowns.  Last year, I went on a trip overseas and too late I learned I had booked three nights in a Clown Hotel.  WTF?

  • Stationing yourself beside the crudite platter at a party kinda negates the healthiness of eating all those veggies when you drown them in ranch dressing.
  • Not only do I have a Pizza Ordering Spreadsheet, I also have a budget spreadsheet, a dog medication spreadsheet and a shopping spreadsheet.  And I’m not a Numbers Person.  I just really ❤ Excel.
  • I miss my friend, Dan The Man.  He used to leave random, strange voice mails for me when he was still alive.  Like “I really, really like David Hasselhoff,” and “Don’t come outside, I’m waiting downstairs to kill you.”  It’s hard to find friends like that.

Totally Random Tuesday

  • You know you live in a small town when the Chamber of Commerce marquee flashes “Kelly Copeland is the Bunco Queen!” as you drive by.
  • The Saltine crackers with the unsalted tops – are they still really Saltines?
  • Sometimes, I am actually as fabulous as I think I am.
  • A couple years ago, a rock bounced up from the highway and cracked my front windshield.  I was singing “Safelite repair, Safelite replace!” for about three weeks.  At work.  At home.  Out in public.  It’s still somewhat shameful to recall those dark days.
  • Whatever program randomizes my SMS pass codes for my server at work is rather pervy.  Today alone, I got pass codes with “fux,” “sex” and “tit” in them.  Password Porn.  It happens so often now, it isn’t even interesting anymore.
  • The other day, I was hungry and called my mom to take me to dinner at Costco.  Sometimes I send my dad back for seconds (and thirds), because he doesn’t get all bent out of shape asking for extra samples like my mom does.
  • Years ago, before I started that awful smoking habit, I had the most outrageous sweet tooth.  That disappeared when the nasty habit took over.  Even though I quit, to this day I’d rather have a Lay’s potato chip over a brownie, hands down.
  • Ernest Hemingway said, “Write drunk; edit sober.”  He also wrote while in the nude.  Drunk naked blogging.  That would kick ass!
  • Thanks mucho to @Katjaneway who warned me of the dangers of owning a pygmy goat.  I’m wavering now, but a part of me is still convinced that my life would be complete if only I owned a tiny goat.
  • I have strict instructions for my parents in the event I lapse into a coma.  Someone MUST pluck the hair that grows out of the mole on my cheek.  Also, if I die, they are required to keep a shrine up for one year.  A pink shrine.  Cremate my ass, and no funeral, nope.  I don’t want to be mourned, but I do want to be idolized.  And there must be glitter.  Lots of glitter.
  • Don’t hate me because I have a mole on my cheek that grows a hair.  It’s not like I have a mustache or anything like that.  And I pluck on a regular basis.
  • I have had a strict policy for YEARS now that I answer the phone when and if I want to.  Not at work, of course – there, I am always available! – but at home after hours, hell yes.  Just because it rings doesn’t mean you have to answer the fucker.
  • My first trip abroad was over 11 years ago (and pre-9/11 – back then, you could fly drunk).  We had a layover in Boston, so we hit the pubs.  At the time, I hated taking photos, so I didn’t own a camera and I borrowed my mom’s.  (Pre-cell phone camera days, obviously.)  We got so blitzed at this one Irish pub that I put the camera on the ground next to my purse, then left an hour later without it.  I called my mom the next day from England:  “Mom, I’m okay, I’m fine!”  She was beside herself, thinking something had happened.  Then I told her I lost her camera.  Best way to break bad news to a parent is to make it sound like you barely escaped death.  They forgive much easier that way.
  • P.S. I told her the truth later.  She didn’t find it as amusing as I did.
  • P.P.S. Since then, I have bought my own camera.  Funny, I never managed to lose it.
  • I would love to see all the weird shit people put on flower delivery cards.  I bet florists have some stories to tell.  They probably also know who are having illicit affairs.
  • I am one of those people who, when they see a bag by the side of the road, thinks there is a dead body inside.
  • I also get really sad about roadkill.  Even if it isn’t actually roadkill.  “Poor bag!”
  • I brake for squirrels.  And birds.
  • Online window shopping is about my most favorite vertical thing to do.  Drunk online shopping is worse than a one night stand, though.  No diseases, true, but four $40 t-shirts in the same color but different sizes?  Bitch, please, just go to bed the next time!
  • I don’t get text messages and emails that just say “Hi!”  If you are going to distract me from my day, you better have something to say.
  • Never buy into a cryptic Facebook status update that makes you wonder what is wrong.  “So sad.”  “Oh, depressed again.”  “I can’t take much more.”  Honey, I am the QUEEN of attention whores…at least make it interesting, please.
  • It’s taken every fiber of my being to NOT get another dog.  No, I don’t want a replacement for Mr. Swirly (as if that exists!), but it really is too quiet around here!
  • There are around 650 calories in a bottle of white wine (give or take).  Or, as the non-BF calls it, a “serving.”  If I cut out lunch and dinner, I’ll still make my daily intake goal!
  • I totally had to Google how many calories were in a bottle of white wine.
  • Grief makes people do weird things.  I stopped eating and cried constantly when I lost my first Min Pin.  With Mr. Swirly’s passing, I’ve been making jokes about what a crazy, swirly dog he was.  I prefer the laughter over the crying.  Even though I do still cry a little bit.  He was a great dog.  A dog like no other.  I dare people to show me a stranger little fucker than that dog.  He walked backwards and tried on my flip-flops.  I still miss him 😦
  • Sometimes, I don’t know when to quit.  Like now.  I guess this is the end of this!